Faith – Page 4 – Stabbing Windmills

The Fog is Lifting

I worked a half day this morning seeing patients via Telemedicine still. We are still very busy with primarily Covid patients. We pray this surge will improve in the next few weeks if this trends here are like elsewhere. However, only time will tell. The days are still exhausting, but helping ao many people is worth it!

This afternoon I tried to get much needed tidying up accomplished. I am weeks behind, but definitely made more progress today than I have in a while.

My daughter had a good first week of school! She is excited about Forensics and will audition this next week for the school’s fall musical. This year is off to a much better start than the past and I am very grateful to God for that. Last year was challenging in many ways for her, so to see her renewed spirit makes this mom’s heart delight.

I have a writing project brewing in mind. What that means is I need to spend some of my down time working on that. The past weeks I spent most “down time” doing the bare minimum duties and honestly escaping by watching British comedies and dramadies. It was all I had energy for.

However, I feel a lot more energy this week , again thanks be to God and it seemed to all happen after two events: a dramatic upseting phone call and a dream.

The emotional phone call with drama last week (details unimportant) made me start sifting thru some of the back burner grief I had just been too spent to even think about. My husband, Ted was awesome and listened as I verbally processed so much emotion.

This led to a dream that was so vivid. Daddy , Lana (my stepmother who passed 5 years ago on Aug 23) and my stepdad Steve (who passed 7 years ago) were all there. It was so peaceful and joyful. I don’t recall many details apart from all 3 of them being present and just a warmth and joy and feeling od serenity.

Interestingly enough right as my mind was leaving the deep REM sleep and entering that light sleep just prior to waking up out of the dream I said aloud in my dream, “I guess I am processing grief in my sleep.” I feel in many ways I did.

It is still early days yet, but the heavy fog is lifting, light is breaking through, and my energy level as I said is beginning to rebound. I share these details for me of course to process but also in case others need it too.

I thank God I grieve with hope. I am thankful for my wonderful support. I am thankful for the dream. I am even thankful for the minor inteepersonal conflict that led to some down and dirty grief processing. I look forward to what the Lord has in store for me apart from my obvious profession as a Nurse Practitioner.

The Dream

From August 12, 2018

I had a dream last night that had a little girl in it. She was in a joyful, colorful place with toys and dolls. I could feel the joy in the air. That little girl had told a lie. She was trying to run away from the joyful place. I realized she was fleeing because deep down she felt bad about her lie and was not able to enjoy the dolls and toys. She felt shame. Knowing that feeling I ran after her.

I found her and kneeled down to her level and asked why she was leaving. In my dream I didn’t hear a reply though I instinctively knew it. I explained to her about that feeling she had of shame as a result of her sin. I asked her if knew anyone who never made a mistake. She shook her head no. Then I told her everyone has except Jesus. I then explained to her who Jesus was and how he loved her and how he died for her and me and us all.

Right about that time her parents showed up. It was time to take her home. I told her parents I was sharing how Jesus died for her. Their faces appeared accepting and I knew they believed. However, for some they were urgently rushing off to get somewhere. I cried out desperately and louldy to this little girl’s parents, “Don’t forget to tell her about the Resurrection!!!! She has to know about Sunday. Good Friday is not good if Sunday did not happen; tell her about Sunday!!!!!!!” I know they heard me.

The last thing I recall in my dream was a desperate feeling of yearning to know if that little girl knew about Resurrection Sunday.

As I sit and process this dream (still processing) my immediate 2 thoughts are this:

Fellow brothers and sisters in Christ when we tell them about Jesus dying for our sin, do not leave Sunday out!!! Keep Friday and Sunday close otherwise it’s only part of the story.
To everyone. Jesus did die for you to defeat sin and death. However he did not stay in the grave. On that third day He rose again!! He is not dead is surely alive and pursuing you and loving you this very minute.

After he rose from death, several hundred people had some amazing encounters with Him. One of my very favorite encounters that is documented is when Peter is restored. I too know that restoration power that Peter experienced. Without a risen, living Savior I would still be living in shame like the little girl in my dream and fleeing away from a shelter of joy and peace and love.

Flood of Memories

Memories come in flashes and snapshots

And then sometimes they flood on parade

Tears come just the same

And though my mind still grapples with all the pieces

Still replays events of that day

Yet peace envelops my soul

Because it knows you’re home

Restored and at peace in the Savior’s arms

Dad, Ted, Kyra, and I went to Dallas to watch my nephew play ball. Dad loved baseball- as a player and spectator

We still have much to do. Clearing out the house will be hard. Other steps are necessary before we get to that point. And I dread it, but I am busy enough professionally to push that to the back of my mind. I am sure when the time comes for this next hard task, just like all the ones before since you had the stroke, our loving Abba Father will carry us through one step at a time.

I miss you Daddy, but I do not miss the challenges a failing earthly body subjected you to, thus I truly rejoice that you are free. I wish I would have been there that Saturday before you left us. Though I was with you at the hospital until your last breath.

I am glad our last day together you did talk more and sleep less. We watched High Chaparral and talked about visiting Tombstone,AZ and Doc Holliday. You did so great with your therapy that day. I even stayed longer than usual. I am thankful for that day. I am even glad at the time I didn’t know it would be the last, but I am thankful for every single moment.

I know when I say last it isn’t truly the very last, but merely the last on this side of the veil. Next time, in glory. Rest in our Holy Father’s peace, grace, and glory. This very same peace and grace sustains us until we are with Him and you in glory.

See you in a little while, Daddy

Friend of Sinners

I am not perfect

Nor do I pretend

To be always on point

On target

On track

Well kept

My mind and my home

Are often in disarray

But I know who I am

I know what matters most

And what matters most

Is Whose I am

Your Creator and mine

Are the same, imagine that

And though I don’t fit your mold

Nor you mine

His love for each creation is the same

Not because of some pre-purposed plan

But simply because

He is love itself

So our paths cross

Mine seems more convoluted

And perhaps yours is as straight and narrow

As you perceive and portray

At the day’s end

It source is the Maker, the Creator, the Lord ,

the friend of sinners

Lamentations for Daddy

I miss you today

But I miss you every day

Since you went away

But sometimes my mind

In preservation thinks you are fine

Just at home where we last spoke

Before the phone call when my heart broke

Though many events unfolded that morn

Somehow my soul knew you were on your way HOME

Not the temporary place we are passing through

But the eternal home with the Maker and the Saints

Though I miss you today

And every minute to come

I could never selfishly call you back from home

You are free , fully healed and at peace

So for now I will treasure the lessons and memories

And keep missing you each moment

And some moments I cry

But I also rejoice in hope

Because soon we will reunite in the blink of an eye

Independence Day

So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.- John 8:36

On this 4th of July as my husband so eloquently stated my Daddy became completely free! He is free from his ailing body that was limited by the stroke and chronic illness. He was freee from all the limitations of the last year. He trusted and professed his faith in the Son, Christ Jesus. In Christ now he is eternally free.

The next few days we will prepare a service to honor and celebrate him. Each task that lies ahead we do with honor , the weight of grief (as we here, this side of the veil, will mourn the loss of his presence), but with peace and joy knowing Daddy is free indeed!!

I thank our Heavenly Father that we do not say goodbye to our father, but merely, ” I’ll see you in a little while.”

Born :November 15, 1950 Indepence Day: July 4, 2021. Let freedom ring!

Valley of Grief

Penned: June 18,2014

In the valley we are learning

what it means to walk by faith and not by sight.

Cause what I have seen, I don’t want to recall.

But what was not tangible in the deepest of night

is what I could see clearest of all.

It’s that peace that defies reason,

it’s the hope beyond the pain.

It’s the breath we keep on taking

though we’ll never be the same.

It’s the beauty that rises from the ashes.

It’s the hope that drowns out the fear.

It’s the love of my Savior

that wipes away every tear.

I cannot imagine this without Jesus.

He has been here from the start

and he only drew closer

when he knew this would break our hearts.

But the things I have seen,

you can’t see with your eyes.

I wish you had time so I could explain

how our Lord has held us

and carries us through this pain.

Desert Songs

Several years ago when I returned to work after a brief hiatus to be with my family after my dear, beloved stepmomom passed from cancer I walked into my boss’ office and said “Cancer sucks, God is good.” He said “thank you.”

Too many times he only heard fairweather rejoicing when things were good. My friends right now there is a global uncertainty, but God is good. He is not only our way through the desert, but he is what sustains us in it. And if we abide in Him we too can find songs in the night. Even though all around us seems dry we can find true peace and still rejoice!

For those of you in your desert moments, I am praying for you. Know you are loved.
#songsinthenight #peaceinthevalley #pillaroffireandclouds #desertsong #dailybread #rejoice #Heisstronginmyweakness #neverforsaken #Heiswithusalway #peacebeyondcircumstances

Amazing Grace

Too often I find I miss the mark, disappoint the expectation of others and especially my own. I have spent many years beating myself up with “you should know better” or “what’s wrong with you?” “Here I go again” “How many times are you going to make the same mistake? Circle the same mountain?” These thoughts replaced the former shorter and yet meaner “I’m so stupid” “I’m a dork” “I’m an idiot” “I’m a fat blob” the good news is the former thoughts focus on my behavior which does need modification where the latter focuses on my identity. So though some issues I have not overcome yet, by God’s mercy and grace and the love of some good friends I learned my identity is not my mistakes, my failures, or my missed marks. This is where this GRACE comes in that is mentioned in the scripture. Let’s face it we all need grace. And it was finally understanding that amazing grace that I am in Christ thus I am a child of God. I am more than a conqueror. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. And while I am still circling some of the same mountains there is progress, a little every day. And though at times I backslide my heart is to be better. I am thankful for a God that knows my heart’s desire and does not give up on me when I disappoint. You see He promised He will continue the good work He has done in me until Jesus returns and on that day my full potential will be realized and I will circle no more. But for now, I rest in the truth that I a broken, sick soul in need of a Great Physician may approach the throne of Grace PRN (as needed) for any help when I fall short. It is an eternal open invitation of grace generated by love. It is digesting this very truth that is the healing salve to our soul and allows us to drown out the voices of self condemnation, of fear, of doubt. It allows us to hear even louder the voice of Truth and Grace. My prayer for you all is as we sojourn this journey of life with its very steep mountains and deep valleys you may carry this balm of Truth along the way. You will need it.

Peace and Joy to you!

Salve for the Soul

Feelings, and feelings, and feelings. Let me try thinking instead.
C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

Sometimes the feeling and thinking are all too much. ESPECIALLY if you are an OVERTHINKER like me.
Sometimes what we need to do is just sit quietly listening to the tunes that open the portal to all those emotions you feel but cannot adequately express, tunes that can make a symphony of all those thoughts that apart from the music seems like chaotic distractions.
For the feelings and the thoughts I am thankful the Creator gave us the gift of music and for those anointed in the craft. (which I am not- lyrics perhaps but not the instruments)

Sing the songs of your soul

As they dance with the songs of mine

Singing to the One who soothes souls

Whose faithfulness echoes throughout time

Play the tunes of your heart

Play them for those who cannot play

And we’ll meet in the rhythm

Get lost in the melody

And get through another day.