Holy Week – Maundy Thursday

Today is Maundy Thursday of Holy Week.  As we continue our walk with Christ from the wilderness Lenten season to approach this week which leads to our Lord’s passion, this day always gives the greatest pause.

I will never forget the first Maundy Thursday service I attended at St. Timothy’s Anglican Church (my church home). l was brought up in a different tradition of the faith, so it was all very new.  I cried buckets of tears that night.  It still moves me to tears…as our Priests wash the feet of 12 , we celebrate and receive the Eucharist (our passover meal),  it then proceeds to the stripping of the altar the recitation of Psalm 22 as we kneel in darkness, it concludes in darkness with only a light on our bare altar with a chalice on its side and a crown of thorns.  One of our parishioners with a beautiful voice sings “Were you there when they crucified my Lord?” Tears, so many tears , they well up even when I recall it now.  We stay in the dark sanctuary and exit as we are led in silence and darkness and then an all night prayer vigil in the Garden of Repose with Jesus.

So powerful.


Backing up to that upper room.
After the supper and the new covenant and the foot washing Jesus gives his new commandment (mandate, where Maundy comes from), “Love one another as I have loved you. ”

The disciples had no real idea in that upper room that evening just what their Rabbi was about to do for them. 


This Maundy Thursday before I fast forward to the reality of our Lord’s passion and why that chalice and crown of thorns brings me to tears and overwhelming emotion…I just want to pause
And place myself in that upper room, where John is reclining on Jesus.  And Peter (how I love and identify with Peter a lot- so passionate and yet impulsive)  cannot bear the thought of his Rabbi, his Lord washing his feet.
They had a meal and bread and wine and Jesus was trying to tell them something , but he knew they would not understand…not yet.  This was that last meal before the passion unfolds and while Jesus had so much to do and say as his “time had come” , I can just imagine even for but a moment as they joyfully broke bread and sat in that upper room, this fellowship of brothers who left all they knew to follow him, I can only imagine that like his Mother Mary on the day he was born, that Jesus pondered these things in his heart.  

What about you?
What moments of this week leading up to our Lord’s passion to you hold close in your heart?

Know this he did this all for them and me and you.  So we could be restored to a right relationship with the Maker of the Heavens and the Earth, our Maker.  Our God, our Lord , Our Heavenly Father who loves you beyond what you can fathom. 
Blessed Maundy Thursday to you all!
May you be captivated by his love this Holy Week and always.

Broken Beautiful

When our daughter was about 4 she made this. We often spent many nice weather days in the garage working on messy crafts. One day a bottle of glitter glue fell and shattered. The older plastic had less flexibility so it did not handle the quick impact too well.  Well that sweet girl of mine was not bothered in the least.  She grabbed the broken pieces and other refuse from the messy garage created by previous art projects and went to work on this masterpiece.  I have saved it. My daughter has been gifted from our Maker with many artistic talents. It is amazing to witness her discover them, improve them and  watch her flourish. This however will always remain one of my favorites. Out of a broken mess, an unexpected shattering of beauty and some unlikely items others would easily discard, (present company included) my sweet girl saw usefulness and with just the right handling beauty resulted.  Our homes, our careers, our relationships , our marriages, our finances, our parenting, our physical health, our emotions, lives, our souls may be shattered, a mess, or seeming like garbage.  I am certain my friends if we would trust whatever it is in the hands of our faithful, loving Maker he can transform it into a masterpiece.  It is so hard to trust the process. It is so hard to see sometimes beyond the chaos, pain and mess. Trust me I am the optimist and I struggle, but He will weave together something more beautiful than we could ever have dreamed.  Praying you have peace and trust our Master Potter with our messy, broken vessels.

Calm in the storm

The day began rough with a sleepless night, a sick loved one and an unexpected calling out of work to take them for an urgent visit. (Thankfully all will be well). Since I missed work I was able to go to church tonight. Due to my work schedule I really don’t get to attend Wednesday night service at church anymore.  When I first visited St. Timothy’s all those years ago  it was on a Wednesday night.  In fact early on before we had affirmation from the Lord this would indeed become our new church home we would attend Wed night services here and our prior church Sundays.  This has been home for more than 10 years now. How I love the sounds of Sunday morning and all of the smiling faces and the beautiful worship Sunday services, there is just something about Wed night , calmer pace , quieter, simpler Eucharist service that just ministers to my soul.  Tonight it was a much needed balm for a weary soul.  Even attending the service meant I had to trust God that my ill family member was in good care and ok while I left home to attend the service. I had to lay everything my worries, my fears, my exhaustion, my regrets (missing work means rescheduling patients and disrupting their lives too), the whole mess of it….I had to choose to lay it at the foot of the cross.  In return I was given peace, hope restored, and some soul healing for myself as I was able to stand around the altar with my brothers and sisters, my husband, and my priest and experience the thin veil between heaven and earth pulled aside so that we the church militant could sup with our Lord in Holy Communion with a great cloud of witnesses, the church triumphant.  Oh the souls I know in love in that Church Triumphant and the ones I have yet to know. What a glorious day that will be.  For now I am thankful for the fellowship of believers in my parish at St. Timothy’s led by my priest who is a very good shepherd.  I am thankful for the calm and peace of this slower pace , quiet Wed night Eucharist service.  I am thankful that we have a God who meets all of our needs according to the riches we have in Christ Jesus (Philippians 4:19)

Dad’s 74th Birthday

Happy Heavenly Birthday Daddy!

To say I miss you is an understatement, but hope and joy from the hope of Christ wraps the lament in this beautiful peace. Most of the time when I think of you this Peace is the superseding emotion, but from time to time the lament overpowers it and that’s ok- the hope remains.

It wasn’t always this way. The early days in the fog of the grief not only was the lament stronger, there were times the fog of grief was so heavy you couldn’t even tread water- the day to day simple things I had done hundreds of times felt like someone placed weights on my body and made me walk through quicksand. Oh it was foggy, so you had to tread it not seeing but a few steps ahead of you. Even in those heavy days I held onto hope and faith in knowing you were free, but the heavy days were heavy.

I share so that others in the fog of grief right now can know two things. ONE- you can have faith and hope and still feel the heavy weight of grief and TWO- in time the fog does lift and light breaks through. You carry the grief with you always but it is not so heavy. If you are in the fog of grief I am praying for you – hold fast .. the light will break through…….

Daddy, I hated the stroke limited your body and caused you struggles. However a gift was your inhibitory mechanism to remain stoic and quiet was impacted so we had some of the best conversations. I got to know what you really thought!! I enjoyed our time watching Westerns, though now it all feels too short.

One always laments the time they didn’t spend and it’s too easy to get sucked into that vacuum of regret and I know you wouldn’t have me do that so instead I will cherish all the times we did have while knowing the love between a father and their child is not dependent on being in the same room.

Daddy thanks for working so hard for us, teaching us so much, and taking us fishing!!! I love you and will #seeyouinalittlewhile

I’m not okay, but I’m coping!

Sometimes I am not okay .I don’t like conflict .I am a people pleaser by nature
I don’t naturally create boundaries, advocate for myself,or know how to say no to even good things or people when there are too many demands and not enough me. My time and energy have limits.I used to think acknowledging that was weak, I have learned that is the beginning of strength – knowing my limits so I could implement healthy boundaries.
Healthy boundaries means sometimes when you say “NO” or “ENOUGH ” that you upset people, even those you love especially if they were used to you always saying”yes”. I used to feel that saying “no” was unkind. I was only being unkind to myself. This leads to burnout because EVERYONE has limited time and energy. Everyone!!!! Different seasons you will have less or more. It is not a standard RDA either. We are complex creatures in unique situations with a multitude of variables that impact the demand on our time and energy (physical and mental) I lived a life with no margin. A firstborn, type A people pleaser who thrived on the approval and feedback from my achievements. I found myself depleted. That feeling , that need, that endless desire for the approval of others is as vane as any addict chasing an elation from whatever fruitless high. There is a life giving source with a plan for my life and it is when I function in concert with the will of my Maker the giver of life that is good and fruitful. That life giving Maker is so efficient and benevolent that there are encounters he will build me up while using me to simultaneously build up others. Talk about true elation!!
Anyhow I don’t digress because that right there is what it’s all about.
But here I am in this fallen world with broken people (present company definitely included) and so conflict will and does occur. There are hills to charge and there are times to be silent.
But after surviving a very unhealthy, toxic, abusive relationship in my younger years ( before my husband) I developed a transparent approach to life. I am mostly an open book and if you ask I will be honest. Currently there is this tension that is persistent between advocating for myself and a situation and being silent as to “keep the peace”. But here’s the thing…while I am not raging against every injustice as some battles are won only in silent prayer and small subtle movements, because I don’t want a false peace sometimes waves are made! I don’t have a poker face. I am not good at pretense. For example , When people ask me how are you? I am not good with the standard “great” people want so they can move on. What they mean to say is hello. Not how are you because when it’s not great they don’t necessarily have the time (or energy) to hear the honest reply. They too have limited time and energy. So if things are not ok I will say not great now, but I am hopeful they will be again soon.
I was asked in the middle of a current messy situation if I was ok. My honest reply was , ” No, but I am coping.” This person asked because a couple of times recently there were a few moments when the weight of it all piled up and I wasn’t coping in that moment. I have learned that is not the time to fake a smile and push thru. I went to trusted people and said “while I am a very smart, strong, capable person who can take a lot most days of my life, in this moment it all feels too much like drowning and I need help” now if only my actual cry for help was stated that eloquently and did not include tears and expletives and what some might feel hysterics, but that was real life. I AM COPING NOW. I made adjustments, sought out counsel and returned to prayer. The situation is not resolved, but I am working really hard on what I can control. I share this because I am a strong, smart, capable person who loves and is able to help others. And guess what I need help too!! We all do. It’s ok to not always be ok. Be real, seek help, and know this- I am rooting for you!!

TOV


The River and me
Both long for the sea
She knows better though
Where to bend and where to flow
Quick, quick, then slow
She is not always rushing about
She knows how to calm down
Slow her pace
Calm and still
Up a mountain
Down a hill
Knowing her destiny filled
To reach from whence she came
Am I not the same
Explains this yearning in my soul
For a world I have never known
But I got a deposit in my soul
Just long for the pace that is tov
©2024

Me and the Moon

Me and the moon
Had an interlude
We didn’t scream or shout
Yet we figured out
We both have our phases
Darkness and light
But we both like it best
When we shine bright
Seems the moon and me
We both agree
Even the darkest dark
Can’t hide a spark
So even though
We ebb and flow
Our inner glow
On the darkest night
Keeps the light
Of Hope
And the darkness cannot overcome it

Pulse

Trying to find that rhythm
Trying to find that flow
Going too fast
Need time to slow
Down
My thoughts
My breaths
My movement
Trying to find that place
Trying to find that peace.
That transcends
Landscapes
Circumstance
I caught a glimpse
Of it perchance
A gaze
To get me through the days
When it’s rushing around the bend
And all my soul craves
Is a peaceful drift
Afloat a river
Whose banks are carved
Amidst red giants
Reaching heaven bound
Yet just as content
Their foundation is a dusty ground
For now I’m in this sweaty bog
Taunted by a frog
Whose insect snacks
Are slowly eating at me
Why can’t I be like that toad
And consume the thing
That bugs me
Not just to stuff and hold
Til I explode
But digest
Process
Excrete
Defeat
Then Rest..
Head is swimming round
Keep feeling I might drown
In all the things I must do
Got to stay afloat
Grab the rope
Call out to Hope
Cause it’s gonna pull me through
And today might be my breakthrough


©2024 sillypoeticnurse (Shelly L. Huckaby)

Mercy Triumphs


We think we all know the truth
But the truth knows you
And we are only guessing
Answers to questions
And we fill in the gaps
To feel less trapped
To satiate, placate, compensate
We want to relate
But we can’t truly state
That we don’t know
Cannot know
What is mystery
Want to burn that down
Drown it out
Explain it away
Killing the truth along the way
I read and I heard
You’re wrong
You read and you heard
My thoughts are absurd
And the whispers want us in despair
To think this goes nowhere
To think hope is lost
That we can’t afford the cost
And the kingdom and its treasures
Were only for them anyway
Not for you
You’re not chosen
You’re just too broken
You’re just cannon fodder
In a war of gods and politicians
Forget truth , throw out traditions
Nothing matters , no one cares
That’s the lie they serve
And the deceiver is convincing
We drown in our sorrow and shame
Forget the one who knows our name
Who places his claim
Cause they twisted the truth
And said it’s not for you
The lies they weave
And we believe
Too easily
Because we know what we’ve done
But the truth is real
Slowly revealed
And it’s not wearing crown jewels
And it doesn’t get first bill
Not winning plastic trophies
Or making dollar bills
So don’t listen to the masses
They are just as broken as you
Don’t listen the headlines
That say the sky is falling too
Here’s a little secret they won’t tell you
It’s been falling all this time
And yet we’re fine
Cause there is a truth
That drowns out lies
Capsizes fear
Defeats despair
And it does not discriminate
It does not hate
It rescues
It renews
It resurrects
Restores
Hope is alive
Cause hope was born
Before we ever came
Before we had a name
So tune out the lies
And the egotistic
Narcissist
Chest beaters that say they know
Look to see the truth being shown
Love being grown
Life being sown
Lost coming home
Mercy being shown
Because justice reigns
But Truth and Love proclaims
Mercy Triumphs!

©2024 Shelly L. Hickaby

Letting Go in 2024???

One of the hardest things for me to “let go” of is my expectations and desire to please and do everything. I cannot do everything, even all that I want to do. I have to accept my limitations. Those limitations can be time, finances, conflicting duties, or even a need to just rest. This weekend I wanted to do two different things. I knew they both could not occur. Some things came up and I missed one thing, so I was hopeful to make the other. The potential winter weather , the duties to prep for that and some other duties because my husband is away for the weekend means not only did I miss the one thing, I missed the other thing too. I kept trying to find a way I could make it happen. I could try, but it was not realistic. So I missed two very good things this weekend. God is using this time for me to accomplish some other less glamorous, but necessary tasks. I have some downtime with just me and my daughter as well. There is a laundry list (pun intended) of things needed doing that I also am getting done because I had to miss the 2 things.

Sometimes letting go of expectations is the hardest thing. I had one expectation of what this weekend would be. That did not happen. Plan B didn’t either. I am making an effort to learn to be content no matter my situation. So first, I will lament missing the things, otherwise just pretending it’s ok is not true to the situation or myself. Then I will carry on with the things that lay before me and find the sparkles of joy and pearls hiding in the muck of errands and housework, because they are there. So here’s to letting go in 2024! First stop is the hardest – letting go of expectations. If I can keep up with this letting go theme this year , it should be an interesting ride around the sun!?!?! You game??