The Fog is Lifting

I worked a half day this morning seeing patients via Telemedicine still. We are still very busy with primarily Covid patients. We pray this surge will improve in the next few weeks if this trends here are like elsewhere. However, only time will tell.  The days are still exhausting, but helping ao many people is worth it!

This afternoon I tried to get much needed tidying up accomplished. I am weeks behind, but definitely made more progress today than I have in a while.  

My daughter had a good first week of school! She is excited about Forensics and will audition this next week for the school’s fall musical.  This year is off to a much better start than the past and I am very grateful to God for that.  Last year was challenging in many ways for her, so to see her renewed spirit makes this mom’s heart delight.

I have a writing project brewing in mind. What that means is I need to spend some of my down time working on that. The past weeks I spent most “down time” doing the bare minimum duties and honestly  escaping by watching British comedies and dramadies. It was all I had energy for. 

However,  I feel a lot more energy this week , again thanks be to God and it seemed to all happen after two events: a dramatic upseting phone call and a dream.

The emotional phone call with drama last week  (details unimportant) made me start sifting thru some of the back burner grief I had just been too spent to even think about.  My husband, Ted was awesome and listened as I verbally processed so much emotion.

This led to a dream that was so vivid. Daddy , Lana (my stepmother who passed 5 years ago on Aug 23) and my stepdad Steve (who passed 7 years ago) were all there.  It was so peaceful and joyful. I don’t recall many details apart from all 3 of them being present and just a warmth and joy and feeling od serenity.

Interestingly enough right as my mind was leaving the deep REM sleep and entering that light sleep just prior to  waking up out of the dream I said aloud in my dream, “I guess I am processing grief in my sleep.”  I feel in many ways I did. 

It is still early days yet, but the heavy fog is lifting, light is breaking through, and my energy level as I said is beginning to rebound.  I share these details for me of course to process but also in case others need it too. 

I thank God I grieve with hope. I am thankful for my wonderful support. I am thankful for the dream. I am even thankful for the minor inteepersonal conflict that led to some down and dirty grief processing. I look forward to what the Lord has in store for me apart from my obvious profession as a Nurse Practitioner.

The Dream

From August 12, 2018

I had a dream last night that had a little girl in it. She was in a joyful, colorful place with toys and dolls. I could feel the joy in the air. That little girl had told a lie. She was trying to run away from the joyful place. I realized she was fleeing because deep down she felt bad about her lie and was not able to enjoy the dolls and toys. She felt shame. Knowing that feeling I ran after her.

I found her and kneeled down to her level and asked why she was leaving. In my dream I didn’t hear a reply though I instinctively knew it. I explained to her about that feeling she had of shame as a result of her sin. I asked her if knew anyone who never made a mistake. She shook her head no. Then I told her everyone has except Jesus. I then explained to her who Jesus was and how he loved her and how he died for her and me and us all.

Right about that time her parents showed up. It was time to take her home. I told her parents I was sharing how Jesus died for her. Their faces appeared accepting and I knew they believed. However, for some they were urgently rushing off to get somewhere. I cried out desperately and louldy to this little girl’s parents, “Don’t forget to tell her about the Resurrection!!!! She has to know about Sunday. Good Friday is not good if Sunday did not happen; tell her about Sunday!!!!!!!” I know they heard me.

The last thing I recall in my dream was a desperate feeling of yearning to know if that little girl knew about Resurrection Sunday.

As I sit and process this dream (still processing) my immediate 2 thoughts are this:

  1. Fellow brothers and sisters in Christ when we tell them about Jesus dying for our sin, do not leave Sunday out!!! Keep Friday and Sunday close otherwise it’s only part of the story.
  2. To everyone. Jesus did die for you to defeat sin and death. However he did not stay in the grave. On that third day He rose again!! He is not dead is surely alive and pursuing you and loving you this very minute.

After he rose from death, several hundred people had some amazing encounters with Him. One of my very favorite encounters that is documented is when Peter is restored. I too know that restoration power that Peter experienced. Without a risen, living Savior I would still be living in shame like the little girl in my dream and fleeing away from a shelter of joy and peace and love.

Flood of Memories

Memories come in flashes and snapshots

And then sometimes they flood on parade

Tears come just the same

And though my mind still grapples with all the pieces

Still replays events of that day

Yet peace envelops my soul

Because it knows you’re home

Restored and at peace in the Savior’s arms

Dad, Ted, Kyra, and I went to Dallas to watch my nephew play ball. Dad loved baseball- as a player and spectator

We still have much to do. Clearing out the house will be hard. Other steps are necessary before we get to that point. And I dread it, but I am busy enough professionally to push that to the back of my mind. I am sure when the time comes for this next hard task, just like all the ones before since you had the stroke, our loving Abba Father will carry us through one step at a time.

I miss you Daddy, but I do not miss the challenges a failing earthly body subjected you to, thus I truly rejoice that you are free. I wish I would have been there that Saturday before you left us. Though I was with you at the hospital until your last breath.

I am glad our last day together you did talk more and sleep less. We watched High Chaparral and talked about visiting Tombstone,AZ and Doc Holliday. You did so great with your therapy that day. I even stayed longer than usual. I am thankful for that day. I am even glad at the time I didn’t know it would be the last, but I am thankful for every single moment.

I know when I say last it isn’t truly the very last, but merely the last on this side of the veil. Next time, in glory. Rest in our Holy Father’s peace, grace, and glory. This very same peace and grace sustains us until we are with Him and you in glory.

See you in a little while, Daddy

Detox

You called under the guise of concern for me

I think even you fall for your own subterfuge

And believe it’s true

But I saw through it

Because we have been here before

Only last time it wasn’t the time to call you out

And this people pleaser hates conflict

But as I learn and grow and strive to thrive

It means the very uncomfortable task

Of speaking the truth

the real challenge is to speak it in love while frustrated and depleted

So I kindly pointed out the patterned behavior

After firmly but calmly making boundaries known

And when I was inclined to ask for the bottom line

To pull back the curtain and discuss your real aim

Immediately you wanted the subject changed

This confirmed my deductive suspicion

And while I forgive your ulterior motives and brokenness that leads you there

For we are all broken souls with wounds to heal and failures to overcome

What I cannot do is sit

in the mud and mire with you

when I was resuced from my own pit

So I wish you well

And pray you find a solid ground on which to stand

For now I will love you from afar because no one can withstand sinking sand.

Another Surge

I am exhausted and frustrated and concerned.

I have never seen such hard heartedness in my life. I know there was a lot of confusion and people didn’t know who to trust, but for people who know me I am giving honest accounts of what I assess and treat.

It angers me this is so politicized that we can’t even have honest conversations. Lines were drawn, sides chosen and we pay no mind to what is really going on.

I am not saying to listen to the talking heads they have their own motives. But with millions of healthcare professionals you are bound to know some. Ask them what they are seeing.

The volumes are high again. Yes we wanted it to be over too, we preferred it when there were only cases trickling in. We knew it wasn’t over because we were still treating those trickling cases.

Glad we had a reprieve and we all mentally needed some normalcy. What makes me most angry is we can’t take the lessons we learned so far and make good , healthy, reasonable decisions. It is still one extreme or another.

Tired of the seesaw. There are reasonable actions to take, but we cannot do that. It’s not sensational.

Sometimes I wish certain people had an insight into what I see every day as I practice medicine. Then maybe we might be more mindful and less likely to go to work with a fever for a couple of days.

We are tired, we are frustrated, but we will keep treating and caring for all. It is what our calling and passion is.

Friend of Sinners

I am not perfect

Nor do I pretend

To be always on point

On target

On track

Well kept

My mind and my home

Are often in disarray

But I know who I am

I know what matters most

And what matters most

Is Whose I am

Your Creator and mine

Are the same, imagine that

And though I don’t fit your mold

Nor you mine

His love for each creation is the same

Not because of some pre-purposed plan

But simply because

He is love itself

So our paths cross

Mine seems more convoluted

And perhaps yours is as straight and narrow

As you perceive and portray

At the day’s end

It source is the Maker, the Creator, the Lord ,

the friend of sinners

Bereavement

Life is kind and also cruel. You lose someone you love. It is not healthy to park oneself in the pit of grief and stay there, but when duties and tasks and responsibilities make us push forward with too short a pause, well then grief is delayed. It comes in spurts and waves. You swing between extremes of “he is not gone”, because your daily routine can explain the absence … to the sudden reality that he is very much gone and there is no more calling or visiting. Such extremes and so little time to process it. Oh sure they give you 3 days bereavement. That was filled with arranging the funeral, running errands to have the funeral, preparing material for it, and then delivering the message or eulogy and receiving loved ones. And for those that don’t actively participate in the service it is still the receiving family and loved ones and condolences with your best game face on. You shove all the deep thoughts to the back burner so you can muster the strength to get thru this part. And you do. And then it’s time to go back to work and life and house work and yet you are tired. You don’t know why, but you are. I mean you know why, but you had no idea it was so heavy. A big loss just occurred and you can’t even process it because now its time for another game face. You push yourself through.

Our society fails in the way of grief and mourning. Old traditions expected it took time. There was an understood respected time allotted to the bereaved that was much more than 3 days. And we wonder why we are all a mess.

Your dad died. Ok answer the nurses questions, the doctors questions, the officer and judges questions. Then the funeral home has questions

Now do this, do that, go here, dress up nice and paint your face. Next stop graveyard. Next stop the house that feels so empty but so full of family.

Next stop bed. Now wake up and go to work and engage fully as if you didn’t just lose your dad.

Oh I will think about it later. Maybe I can process it in quiet time, but you are so physically exhausted you sleep thru the quiet time of contemplating and wake up in time to work. Oh of course workload explodes. And don’t forget all those other things you have to do.

Oh yeah, brush your teeth. Don’t forget that

I write this stream of consciousness as partial therapy and partial expression of my anger with the world and our society and how little care we give to anyone bereaved. I don’t cry out for merely me , but all and each that loses a loved one and has to trudge through as if we are fine and yet we are not and then we wonder why there is so much unrest.

If you are bereaved and suffer this plight or worse because I know worse is out there, I am sorry. I care. I wish I could change it. But I hope and pray that in my heartache maybe the Maker of souls will inspire me or some other bereaved soul to help change how poorly we deal with grief in our society.

Lamentations for Daddy

I miss you today

But I miss you every day

Since you went away

But sometimes my mind

In preservation thinks you are fine

Just at home where we last spoke

Before the phone call when my heart broke

Though many events unfolded that morn

Somehow my soul knew you were on your way HOME

Not the temporary place we are passing through

But the eternal home with the Maker and the Saints

Though I miss you today

And every minute to come

I could never selfishly call you back from home

You are free , fully healed and at peace

So for now I will treasure the lessons and memories

And keep missing you each moment

And some moments I cry

But I also rejoice in hope

Because soon we will reunite in the blink of an eye

Independence Day

So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.- John 8:36

On this 4th of July as my husband so eloquently stated my Daddy became completely free! He is free from his ailing body that was limited by the stroke and chronic illness. He was freee from all the limitations of the last year. He trusted and professed his faith in the Son, Christ Jesus.  In Christ now he is eternally free.

The next few days we will prepare a service to honor and celebrate him.  Each task that lies ahead we do with honor , the weight of grief (as we here, this side of the veil, will mourn the loss of his presence), but with peace and joy knowing Daddy is free indeed!!

I thank our Heavenly Father that we do not say goodbye to our father, but merely,  ” I’ll see you in a little while.”

Gone Fishing

Born :November 15, 1950 Indepence Day: July 4, 2021. Let freedom ring!