Stabbing Windmills

Advent Prayer

It took an extra day, but I finally decided upon my Advent reading for this year. I chose this work of Malcolm Guite and look forward to diving in and see how the Lord chooses to teach me through this work. However, before I dive in I must offer up my own Advent prayer.

My advent prayer-
Most Holy Lord, I wait for you. As I wait I pray that you would return me to my first love of Christ Jesus. Awaken my soul as parts of it have lain dormant in the harsh cold of life, loss, and out of mere survival instinct in a season of tumultuous tempests. Yet now the fog has lifted, the waters are not raging ,though they are not fully calm. My soul had a little respite. It was a long hard stormy season, but you have sent your dove with the olive branch saying to me “come out. It is safe. The greatest of the storm is passed for now and there is work to do. ” Rebuilding and building and planting and sowing. Lord as I wait show me what fields are mine to tend as you know I am an eager worker and aim to please so when I am committed I tend to take on more than you would have me do which leads to weariness and limits my fruitfulness. You do not intend me to be complacent or slothful or stagnant and yet you do not intend me to bear a burden too great. I do not know my limits. I underestimate and overestimate my abilities. Maker of my soul, you know. Grant me O Lord the wisdom to discern which is my field to tend and strengthen me to get busy about your work so that I may by your grace cooperate and assist in your kingdom building. What a great God you are! You do not need us for your work, but so sweetly invite us into it so that we may grow and be fruitful.
Lord as I enter this season of reflection, slowing, contemplation, and penitence make your will for my life quite clear. Lord I seek you. Assist me with thy grace to seek you with my whole heart, mind, and soul.

In the powerful name of our risen Lord and Savior Y’shua, Emmanuel- Amen

Waiting for Rescue

The people were hoping to be restored, rescued, and redeemed. Their expectations were for a warrior who with might and power would overcome and free them from the temporal confines of daily life under Roman rule. Their Lord promised redemption, but his picture of what this rescue had an eternal perspective. He chose instead meekness and a sacrificial love.

We are restrained by time and a life of points of time in a linear movement. Our Creator is outside of space and time. Therefore His answer to our problem , prayer, or petition may have an eternal perspective. Let us lay down our expectations and be open to an answer that has eternal implications.

Great Expectations

We sat on the pew awaiting the service to begin. My husband commented that Advent blue was his favorite color of all the seasons. Our daughter agreed. Each church season means new banners hung upon the altar and in the sanctuary. My husband looked up at the banner directly in front of us. “What does esperanza mean in Spanish, Shelly?” He asked. “Hope,” I replied, ” which is interesting because in Spanish esperar means to wait and this morning I looked up the definition of hope as a reminder and it means a feeling of expectation. Expecting, waiting. ”

In the season of advent we begin the church calendar with our Great Expectation of the birth of our newborn Savior. Heaven comes down and takes the form of a baby. The King of the Universe and Creator takes on the limitations of a newborn child. As we enter this season we prepare our hearts as we wait.

What great expectation do you have?

What are you waiting for?

Healing for a loved one?

A phone call ….

For a job, provision?

Reconciliation?

Deliverance?

Waiting is often hard. There is a tension, but there is also hope. However, sometimes if we wait for a while, worry and doubt can seep in.

What can we do while we wait? We can prepare our hearts. And oft we find no matter the answer to the prayer, the real transformation happens as we wait.

I am waiting:

For healing for my brother from Ramsay Hunt Syndrome where the shingles virus has attacked the nerves in the left side of his face. I am researching, the doctors have him on meds, I am seeking any possible treatments to help promote healing and despite all my healthcare expertise one essential part of the healing process is time. So I pray and I wait. I pray for full resolution from the palsy and fully restored health. It is so hard to see your little brother with an ailment. No matter how old he is , he will always be my kid brother that I fought and played hard with but always felt an innate desire to protect.

I wait for healing for a friend in ICU with a severe case of COVID. Things had been grim but we see signs of hope and improvement so we still wait with expectation of some continued miraculous healing.

I wait for my Uncle in the hospital. He is having a cardiac angiogram (heart Cath) today. I am waiting for good news and healing from the procedure and resolution of his symptoms that led him there.

I am waiting for healing for my husband’s back, a minor flare from a lumbar strain that limits his movement.

I am waiting for a diagnosis, the discovery of the underlying cause of my teen daughter’s orthostatic hypotension. And of course we want healing from all that ails my precious girl.

I am hoping for healing for a loved one’s dad to overcome a type of blood cancer a second time.

I am waiting and as I wait I pray , Lord heal them but guide, lead, and teach me as I wait.

As I wait, I hope, trust and believe as hard as this waiting is that the wait has purpose. I believe in an intelligent Creator that is also a loving, compassionate Creator that loves His creation. This Creator gave us free will or else we would be robots and forced love is not love. This in our free will to choose, the world is impacted both positively and adversely. Thus enters the problem of pain, loss, illness, evil.

But I also believe, hope, trust and know that light has overcome the darkness, the good does overcome evil and that our Creator God uses all things for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. (Romans 8:28)

Lord, we wait for you.

In anticipation and expectancy we hope for greater things that we can conceive.

Transform me in the waiting to look more like you.

Happy 71st Birthday Dad

Today is Dad’s birthday. He would have been 71. It is his first birthday since his departure. While I do wish he were here and that we could have Mexican food or German chocolate cake with him one more time, I remember his last year. His mind was sharp, but his body failing him.

It is a crazy paradox: Dad’s stroke limited his body and caused him health issues, but because of it he did not spend a day of the last year of his life alone at all. Prior to that he was very lonely after losing his wife 5 years ago. That is a long time living alone without your spouse. I know he missed her and I know he was lonely so it is a peculiar thing his illness was. I do look for the silver lining in all things. Ideally he would have had company without a major illness, but risk factors of diabetes and smoking, and high blood pressure took its toll on his body.

So as much as I selfishly miss him, I know he is at peace and fully healed and restored. And I could not dare to want to bring him from such peace. I am just thankful in my time (God willing a very long time from now) I will join him and all the saints that have gone before.

Today was a busy work day. Dad has been on my mind throughout it all and I think I was feeling blah and in a funk most of the morning. I think it’s because I wish I had the day to sit, reflect, write, and even take a drive to his gravesite (not because that is my sort of thing, but it was his so in order to honor that). However duty called and it’s a Monday in cold season so we had plenty of patients most of the day.

I delayed my Facebook post of remembrance because I wanted to pen something eloquent, but then it was too lengthy. So I kept it rather simple with some photos. I figured I would save the lengthy exposition for this blog. Since it is towards the day’s end my writing is more stream of consciousness and thought processing as opposed to an eloquent or artistic tribute. Perhaps that will come soon or another day soon, but processing these thoughts are a vital part of the grief journey.

I chose after work at 7pm to keep the evening simple. Instead of cooking we ordered carry out Asian food and watched Shang Chi. I wanted Mexican food initially, it’s what we would have had for Dad or what he would of had but I did get a little choked up thinking about it and made my ultimate choice. It’s been a long weekend. My brother and newborn nephew were both in the hospital. We had my Uncle Steven’s memorial on Saturday, so Iwas pretty spent leading to this day.

I get winces of emotional pain with this or that memory which make my eyes threaten to cry on occasion, but no big cry today. Now that work is done and I did relax with dinner and movie at home with my husband and daughter, apart from fatigue I actually mostly feel peace.

I miss Dad. It is surreal almost that he is gone but deep in my soul there is a peace. A stillness. It is hard to explain but just an unusual calm. I know it is the Lord’s gift to me this day and I cherish it.

So for now I think I processed enough and I am just going to sit still and savor this peace as it has been a very long time since I have felt such a thing.

I miss you Daddy

We will see you in a little while!

Lord , thank you for your peace that surpasses understanding, sorrow, grief, illness or any circumstance.

Rise Up!

He calls us out of the grave

He calls us out of the chains

Whatever it is that holds you down

God’s gonna free you right now

Rise up!

Dry bones

Death lost its hold on you

Rise up!

Lost soul

You’re gonna be made new

Rise up!

Weary soul

He’s gonna carry you through

Rise up!

Come Home!

The Father is waiting with open arms

The pain of this world weighs you down

Darkness encroaches all around

The loss and the trials and all the unknowns

It all looks familiar, but it’s not home

Hang on to hope

It’s almost dawn

It feels like forever

But it won’t be long

Here come the Son

He’s gonna lead us home

We’re going to sing out in One song

So Rise Up!

Let us rejoice

Rise Up!

In one voice

Rise up!

Sing songs in the night

Morning is nigh

Gonna dance and sing

Rise up!

Jesus is King!!!

Rise up!

Here comes the Son

Declaring the truth

Death’s overcome

LOVE won!

Waiting

Waiting rooms are never my favorite. I have spent many times in waiting rooms for various reasons. The most profound memories in waiting rooms were for major medical issues with loved ones. Thankfully this time I am only waiting for a my daughter to have a minor diagnostic procedure. She was brave getting her IV. She is not a fan of hospitals and even stated her fear of needles. So I am proud of her.

The nurses are phenomenal as always and as God would have it our nurse Kristen today is not only awesome at starting IVs while calming Kyra with conversation whe learned she knows and is friends with a few of our Legacy people and her church meets at Legacy.

Legacy is the Christian school my daughter has attended since kindergarten and my husband teaches history there.

So as I sit in this waiting room and I entrust my daughter to the hands of healthcare colleagues. I feel almost helpless. I am reminded I am not trusting then alone our Lord is there with her even when I cannot be. A valuable lesson to recall in this season of life for our girl.

We are doing the test to find answers to a collection of vague synptoms ongoing since 2018 but worsening in the past year or so. The blood work is fine, bu our daughter does not feel fine. So we are thankful all the major stuff so far has checked out but we pray for answers so she can feel overall healthy again. Currently this work up includes POTS (postural Orthostatic Tachycardia syndrome) as a possible diagnosis. There are so many variables and this is one of a few tests. But for now I pray and wait…

I am thankful for an unusually quick appointment with the Cardiac Electrophysiologist. I am thankful for a pretty quick appointment to have this TILT test. I am thankful for a kind and very competent nurse thay also happens to know some of our favorite lovely people.

Seeing the glimpses of the Great Conductor as the symphony unfolds instills peace as we pray and wait for answers.

True Lies

Wisdom is wealth
Yet we are tied
to a device
Don’t think twice
About what you believe
Open up and take

the headline we feed
Don’t dig deep
Cause You’ll lose sleep
The World enslaves us
Lies about the One who made us
Because the lies they crave us
Feed off rebellion and naivete
Don’t you believe in what I say
It’s not likeable anyway
Gotta further separate
Truth from lies
Blur the lines
You’ll be fine
If you march in place
Don’t you think
Don’t you seek
I will tell you what to believe
We’re all numb
No pain, but dumb
Beat the drum
Just don’t sing out
What life’s about
Cause if you believe in love
Then you’re weak
Cause real love cost you everything
But its return is exponential
It’s providential
Your true potential
Is not wrapped in chains
It doesn’t blame
It doesn’t lie
It doesn’t cut you down to size
It gives you freedom
At a small price
See the sacrifice
Has been made
It only costs you faith

Forty eight

Victory! Scenic overlook of Pike’s Peak amd the Garden of the gods

Today is my 48th birthday. I was blessed to spend a long weekend in Colorado Springs with my husband and my daughter as they are on Fall Break. We stayed at Glen Eyrie.

This past year has been marked by significant loss. So in reflecting on this challenging season and looking to my next year I have decided to live it well.

May I live, love, amd serve well.

Autmn Showers

Boom of thunder

Pouring rain

Drip

Ping

Off the gutters

Plop

Into puddles

Gulp

Thirsty ground

Drinks what she can

She sends the rest to streams and rivers

Freshly bathed

Earth wakes up jolly

And just before she loosens her hold

On things past

She paints the world in oranges and golds

For soon she will bid adieu

to yesterday and prepare

For adventures anew

The Middle

Don’t need more naysayers

Echo chambers

Pointing fingers

Truth still lingers

But we are not listening

Unless you say what I want to hear

How did we get here?

More divided

By fear

And truth is

We have all been misled

By puppet masters on both sides of the ledge

“Don’t jump, don’t move”

“Unless I tell you, then dive

Face first and deep

But not in thought

Be sheep”

Time we stop fighting

Find a common thread

Sing into the darkness

Songs in the night

Drown out the voices

With anthems of hope

Let love ignite

The flame of compassion

Light up the sky

Overwhelm the darkness

Refuse to take sides

In the middle

Let’s Unite

Together