We think we all know the truth But the truth knows you And we are only guessing Answers to questions And we fill in the gaps To feel less trapped To satiate, placate, compensate We want to relate But we can’t truly state That we don’t know Cannot know What is mystery Want to burn that down Drown it out Explain it away Killing the truth along the way I read and I heard You’re wrong You read and you heard My thoughts are absurd And the whispers want us in despair To think this goes nowhere To think hope is lost That we can’t afford the cost And the kingdom and its treasures Were only for them anyway Not for you You’re not chosen You’re just too broken You’re just cannon fodder In a war of gods and politicians Forget truth , throw out traditions Nothing matters , no one cares That’s the lie they serve And the deceiver is convincing We drown in our sorrow and shame Forget the one who knows our name Who places his claim Cause they twisted the truth And said it’s not for you The lies they weave And we believe Too easily Because we know what we’ve done But the truth is real Slowly revealed And it’s not wearing crown jewels And it doesn’t get first bill Not winning plastic trophies Or making dollar bills So don’t listen to the masses They are just as broken as you Don’t listen the headlines That say the sky is falling too Here’s a little secret they won’t tell you It’s been falling all this time And yet we’re fine Cause there is a truth That drowns out lies Capsizes fear Defeats despair And it does not discriminate It does not hate It rescues It renews It resurrects Restores Hope is alive Cause hope was born Before we ever came Before we had a name So tune out the lies And the egotistic Narcissist Chest beaters that say they know Look to see the truth being shown Love being grown Life being sown Lost coming home Mercy being shown Because justice reigns But Truth and Love proclaims Mercy Triumphs!
This Holy Week has been a journey from a triumphant entry into a city to the temple, the mountains, an upper room, a garden, a praetorium, to a cross, and a tomb sealed with a stone. We have the privilege of living in a post resurrection world. We knew on Friday, that Sunday was coming. His disciples (our predecessors) however, did not.
I try on Holy Saturday to spend some time imagining what it was like for them. I try to imagine how they must have felt, what they must have done, what they must have thought. I do this because it has become my tradition to consider this whole week with Christ , so that Sunday’s bells and hallelujahs are even sweeter and louder. I do this because I do not want to take for granted the true miracle of the resurrection and the hope it is for us all.
This Holy Saturday this quote from C.S. Lewis kept coming to mind. While I don’t know exactly how Peter, James, John and the other disciples felt that dark Saturday, I know very well what it was like when I lived in my own darkness. I write so far removed from that time that it seems as far away to me as the Saturday we were all rescued.
Lewis is right, any part of us that is resurrected has to die. I can tell you many things in me that have died. Some quickly and some painstakingly slow. This death was necessary before new life could spring forth.
What has died in me : People pleasing, approval addiction, codependency, shame, nightmares from past trauma, a critical spirit that was born from insecurity, lies, fear, false identity, brokenness from my parents divorce, pride, anger from betrayal, unforgiveness, bitterness, envy, greed, comfort eating, mistrust , fear to speak the truth and stand up for what is right, excess worry, the inability to sit still.
Resurrection is bringing death to life.
I was dead in my sin. I was so sin sick, I didn’t even realize how bad it had gotten until I was so deep in the pit that there was no crawling out. I was in a toxic, abusive relationship. I had made poor decisions. I was failing out of college because I invested all of me into a relationship where the receiving person did not truly love me back because he did not know how.
The physical and emotional pain from that relationship damaged any esteem I had. I found myself in a downward spiral. I was telling lies to avoid getting in trouble. I became so good at telling lies I began to believe them and repeated some of the insignificant falsehoods long after the relationship had ended. I had made my own bad decisions before this unhealthy relationship, so I do not cast blame on him or make excuse. I was in a bad situation, but I reacted poorly. In fact the relationship ended after 4.5 years and I still made poor choices.
The truth is this: when I was a 10 year old little girl I knew who Jesus was and I professed my trust and belief in him. I knew he was my Savior. What I did not know was who I am in him.
So here I am in a pit that is dark, cold and I am wading in my own sin. The guilt and shame of my own actions and reactions. I was pretty low. In addition to that I was in the middle of my LVN program and hanging on for dear life to remain in the program because I had to work full time which was looked down upon. I had an unstable living environment and my finances were a constant challenge. Life was hard situationally when I found myself in this pit.
So in the midst of this a friend of mine looks at me and says, “You need to go to church with Josh tonight.”
I scoffed at him, ” You don’t even go to church. You are not even sure what you believe. Who are you to tell me to go to church?”
I don’t recall his reply. I was frustrated, but what he suggested was something I just couldn’t get out of my head. Something in my spirit was stirred and unsettled. I still believed, but I hadn’t been to church in years. So I found myself that evening driving my moped to my friend Josh’s church.
They were having a revival that week. There was a guest pastor. We opened up singing. Then it was time for the message So I am sitting there with this built up anxious expectation in my spirit. I clung to every word the pastor was saying. I don’t recall the message, but I remember very clearly what happened afterwards.
The preacher no sooner let the altar call invitation slip out of his mouth and this people pleasing , worried about what other people think, usually too shy to go up to altar girl bolted down that aisle like there was a fire to tend to. I kneeled at the altar and prayed. People laid hands on me and prayed. I don’t even remember the prayers, but I remember the feeling of being there but not. At one point I opened my mouth and did not understand the words I was saying. (That part I used to be nervous to share and tell others, because oh she is one of those. I mean what would people think about this sensible person ). You know what, if I am going to tell you what happened you might as well know that was the honest to God truth. I had never experienced anything like it before or since. But I was speaking words I didn’t know while I prayed and other people prayed.
At some point I just knew it was time to get up and go back to my seat. I did. At that time I noticed others were receiving prayers too. We sang. The service ended. I drove away on my moped and the only way I can explain it was I felt lighter. It was as if someone had lifted the weight of the world off my shoulders. As I drove home I couldn’t help but notice the grass was greener, the sky seemed more blue and whatever heavy feelings and presence that been lingering over me was gone.
That was a turning point in my life. I pressed in and finished nursing school. Things began to improve. I made better choices and tried to surround myself with more positive people. There were slip ups along the way, but this was definitely one of a handful of turning points in the life of one Shelly Lynette Curtis.
There were several more turning points which included my marriage, becoming a mom, becoming a Nurse Practitioner, getting baptized as an adult, and the Lord using an opportunity of a failed business to get my attention and grow me exponentially in my faith by discipling me through people he placed all around me when I wasn’t looking.
So this 48 year old Jesus girl who has been married 22 years to a man who loves the Lord with a 17 year old daughter who loves the Lord and is surrounded by so many clergy and beautiful brothers and sisters in Christ has come a long way from that pit.
I was dead in my transgressions, wasting away in guilt, shame, lies, and fear. I was barely keeping my head above water.
He rescued me from myself. He saved me, but he did not stop at my salvation. He surrounded me with people that would encourage me. He gave me a purpose. He has led me in the path of righteousness by discipling me through various ways and thanks be to God I will never be the same!
He has allowed me to cross over from the path of death and destruction to life. He called me by my name and told me I was His own. He restored me. He restored my academic integrity. I went from a 1.68 GPA at Sam Houston to graduating with my BSN at UT Houston with a 4.0. He gave me a career where I could use my caregiving nature to take care of others and support my family and do well financially. He restored my sexual integrity with a healthy God honoring marriage. Despite having an abortion as a young adult, he allowed me to have a healthy child and be a mom. Her name means light or Lord. She is my light from the Lord because she is a constant living reminder of His mercy.
So I mean it when I say there is nothing the Lord cannot breathe new life into.
I am glad that from death, with our God whom nothing is impossible, new life is found.
I found out the day I lost myself, is the day that I found God.
Wisdom is wealth Yet we are tied to a device Don’t think twice About what you believe Open up and take
the headline we feed Don’t dig deep Cause You’ll lose sleep The World enslaves us Lies about the One who made us Because the lies they crave us Feed off rebellion and naivete Don’t you believe in what I say It’s not likeable anyway Gotta further separate Truth from lies Blur the lines You’ll be fine If you march in place Don’t you think Don’t you seek I will tell you what to believe We’re all numb No pain, but dumb Beat the drum Just don’t sing out What life’s about Cause if you believe in love Then you’re weak Cause real love cost you everything But its return is exponential It’s providential Your true potential Is not wrapped in chains It doesn’t blame It doesn’t lie It doesn’t cut you down to size It gives you freedom At a small price See the sacrifice Has been made It only costs you faith
Seek and hold fast to what is good! We are given minds to reason, explore, and discern. Our Creator could have made us robots, but instead he gave us a will that is free to choose. Why? Because love is the aim and forced love is not love at all. So explore, seek, discuss, debate, question and discern what is good and noble and true and pure and hold fast to these things. There is a Spirit of truth that helps one overcome their own flaws, biases, self-centeredness, and brokenness to discern what is true. Seek and you shall find.
But your throne is humility and peace. And now I see that no one can be at peace until they have become humble. Humility and peace: how good it is for a man or woman to be humbled so that they can attain to peace.
– Guigo II, ninth prior of La Chartreuse
It is all to easy to get one’s pride puffed up ,even for the typically selfless person . For them Pride does not take hold due to self but often times it is their concern for others. You see Pride is an insidious foe. She creeps in slowly as if stealth and obfuscation are her prime skills. She cloaks herself in indignation and moves about in partial truths. She gets the part of the story right that is convincing and that warrants others to champion her cause. Yet she leaves out some minor details. “Oh, don’t dwell on the role you played in contributing to the issue,” she whispers, “it really did not play much a part in the bigger picture.” Unaware the soul believes it and can move forward in moral outrage and exclaim cries of ” How could you?” or “What were you thinking?” Meanwhile Pride sits back and watches the dramatic whirlwind ensue. One argues with the world and not oneself and then it is one against the world and eventually us versus them. Them is whomever is not us. The whole misery go round is self-feeding and can go on for hours, days, months, and even years if one lets it.
How does one stop the misery-go-round that Pride has oft led us to? Plain and simple: solitude. Now mind you, this time I will beg of you to depart from what Webster and the others define as solitude. For in reality solitude does not mean the state of being alone. One can be alone and not in solitude. One can be alone and not lonely. For there is the One who is all present and all knowing that is everywhere. That One does not change. It is when we are aware of the One when we are no longer alone. When we dwell on the One and get outside of our own mind and leave the self behind and the need to be validated, entertained, understood, heard or needed that we are ready to experience solitude. When one can take one’s mind beyond self and place it upon the One, then we reach solitude.
In this sacred, hidden place this is where the part truths become apparent. This is where Truth is revealed and the light is shone on Pride, Envy, Lust, Greed, Wrath, Sloth and Gluttony and all of their minions. The mind becomes aware of what the soul in its inner core knew all along because it was made by the One in the image and likeness of the One. The body and mind drifted from the One and thus has made the soul sick. However the One is not only all knowing, all present and just. The One is also loving and merciful. The One offers a balm no earthly physician could ever manage. While in the material we have learned many ways to heal the body, only the One can heal the soul.
Once this reality becomes apparent one can see the Truth and is humbled by the reality of justice, truth, goodness and though the One could stop there with this revelation that leads to humility, the One does not. The One chooses to take the ones in the humbled places and envelop them in love, mercy, and grace and this leaves one with peace. This peace transcends all things. Then solitude as Webster defines it is thrown out forever. For never again shall ones who know the One be alone again, ever.
Stabbing Windmills 