Peace – Page 2 – Stabbing Windmills

Happy 71st Birthday Dad

Today is Dad’s birthday. He would have been 71. It is his first birthday since his departure. While I do wish he were here and that we could have Mexican food or German chocolate cake with him one more time, I remember his last year. His mind was sharp, but his body failing him.

It is a crazy paradox: Dad’s stroke limited his body and caused him health issues, but because of it he did not spend a day of the last year of his life alone at all. Prior to that he was very lonely after losing his wife 5 years ago. That is a long time living alone without your spouse. I know he missed her and I know he was lonely so it is a peculiar thing his illness was. I do look for the silver lining in all things. Ideally he would have had company without a major illness, but risk factors of diabetes and smoking, and high blood pressure took its toll on his body.

So as much as I selfishly miss him, I know he is at peace and fully healed and restored. And I could not dare to want to bring him from such peace. I am just thankful in my time (God willing a very long time from now) I will join him and all the saints that have gone before.

Today was a busy work day. Dad has been on my mind throughout it all and I think I was feeling blah and in a funk most of the morning. I think it’s because I wish I had the day to sit, reflect, write, and even take a drive to his gravesite (not because that is my sort of thing, but it was his so in order to honor that). However duty called and it’s a Monday in cold season so we had plenty of patients most of the day.

I delayed my Facebook post of remembrance because I wanted to pen something eloquent, but then it was too lengthy. So I kept it rather simple with some photos. I figured I would save the lengthy exposition for this blog. Since it is towards the day’s end my writing is more stream of consciousness and thought processing as opposed to an eloquent or artistic tribute. Perhaps that will come soon or another day soon, but processing these thoughts are a vital part of the grief journey.

I chose after work at 7pm to keep the evening simple. Instead of cooking we ordered carry out Asian food and watched Shang Chi. I wanted Mexican food initially, it’s what we would have had for Dad or what he would of had but I did get a little choked up thinking about it and made my ultimate choice. It’s been a long weekend. My brother and newborn nephew were both in the hospital. We had my Uncle Steven’s memorial on Saturday, so Iwas pretty spent leading to this day.

I get winces of emotional pain with this or that memory which make my eyes threaten to cry on occasion, but no big cry today. Now that work is done and I did relax with dinner and movie at home with my husband and daughter, apart from fatigue I actually mostly feel peace.

I miss Dad. It is surreal almost that he is gone but deep in my soul there is a peace. A stillness. It is hard to explain but just an unusual calm. I know it is the Lord’s gift to me this day and I cherish it.

So for now I think I processed enough and I am just going to sit still and savor this peace as it has been a very long time since I have felt such a thing.

I miss you Daddy

We will see you in a little while!

Lord , thank you for your peace that surpasses understanding, sorrow, grief, illness or any circumstance.

Stilling Away

Lord I pray,

let my heart not forget,

You placed the stars in the sky

From chaos you made order

In my mind and soul you will do the same.

Lord, quiet my soul, still my heart

In time alone with you, I find peace

As the day speeds up, and life takes place

Let me not be consumed by the world’s chaos

Help me take pauses and seek your face

My Lord, my refuge, my rest, my strength

Quiet my soul, let me not forget

To surrender it all to you.

Lord, I surrender

Truth Serum

We got the winners, losers the in between

You don’t want me to make a scene

But I’m coming clean

I won’t be obscene

But I’m going to tell it

Like it is

Won’t be sugar coating

I’m not gloating

Wish I was floating

But your ego is bloating

Now your head is filled

With too much of you

Took those pills

But you still you

And I’m still me

And we still can’t seem to agree

Cause you read the truth on the screen

In a magazine

And it was in a scene

But wait a minute

It’s got you in it

But you weren’t there

And you’re not aware

They using you

To sell the lies

To hypnotize

You are the prize

You mesmerized

They are playing you

And playing me too

Got us shouting

Doubting

Rerouting

Our steps our plans our lives

Now we march in place

To their drum

What a disgrace

They think we’re dumb

Cause we took the bait

Swallowed up the hate

They served on a plate

And they manipulate

Don’t contemplate

Just inflate, deflate, relate

To the lies they feed

And the evil seeds

No fruit it yields

Just left in fields

That are deserts , dry

Wondering why

So let’s not comply

Stand up stand together

Unite

Let’s start forever

And Fight

For what’s right

Starting tonight

And that’s LOVE

Desert Songs

Several years ago when I returned to work after a brief hiatus to be with my family after my dear, beloved stepmomom passed from cancer I walked into my boss’ office and said “Cancer sucks, God is good.” He said “thank you.”

Too many times he only heard fairweather rejoicing when things were good. My friends right now there is a global uncertainty, but God is good. He is not only our way through the desert, but he is what sustains us in it. And if we abide in Him we too can find songs in the night. Even though all around us seems dry we can find true peace and still rejoice!

For those of you in your desert moments, I am praying for you. Know you are loved.
#songsinthenight #peaceinthevalley #pillaroffireandclouds #desertsong #dailybread #rejoice #Heisstronginmyweakness #neverforsaken #Heiswithusalway #peacebeyondcircumstances

Deep Calls to Deep

A fresh page longing to be filled

Impulsivity wants to charge ahead

Read. Pray. Meditate.

Wait for God.

Too quickly I want to fix, repair, explain, solve.

Fussing and fretting in frustration.

Wait! Patience. Be still ¡Espera!

What would you have these lines say, my Lord?

Longing for understanding

Craving significance … validation… approval

Are you trying to please God or man?

Oh my soul, wait

Wait upon the Lord

Deep calls to deep

Flood my soul with your Spirit

Steady my mind

Fix it upon You alone

STOP swimming!

STOP fighting the waves

Be still

Feel your feet in the sand

Hear the waves rhythmically rolling in

See the clouds floating above, softly

Surrender

Be still

Quiet

And you shall hear My voice.

©️2020 sillypoeticnurse

ones and One

But your throne is humility and peace. And now I see that no one can be at peace until they have become humble. Humility and peace: how good it is for a man or woman to be humbled so that they can attain to peace.
– Guigo II, ninth prior of La Chartreuse

It is all to easy to get one’s pride puffed up ,even for the typically selfless person . For them Pride does not take hold due to self but often times it is their concern for others. You see Pride is an insidious foe. She creeps in slowly as if stealth and obfuscation are her prime skills. She cloaks herself in indignation and moves about in partial truths. She gets the part of the story right that is convincing and that warrants others to champion her cause. Yet she leaves out some minor details. “Oh, don’t dwell on the role you played in contributing to the issue,” she whispers, “it really did not play much a part in the bigger picture.” Unaware the soul believes it and can move forward in moral outrage and exclaim cries of ” How could you?” or “What were you thinking?” Meanwhile Pride sits back and watches the dramatic whirlwind ensue. One argues with the world and not oneself and then it is one against the world and eventually us versus them. Them is whomever is not us. The whole misery go round is self-feeding and can go on for hours, days, months, and even years if one lets it.

How does one stop the misery-go-round that Pride has oft led us to? Plain and simple: solitude. Now mind you, this time I will beg of you to depart from what Webster and the others define as solitude. For in reality solitude does not mean the state of being alone. One can be alone and not in solitude. One can be alone and not lonely. For there is the One who is all present and all knowing that is everywhere. That One does not change. It is when we are aware of the One when we are no longer alone. When we dwell on the One and get outside of our own mind and leave the self behind and the need to be validated, entertained, understood, heard or needed that we are ready to experience solitude. When one can take one’s mind beyond self and place it upon the One, then we reach solitude.

In this sacred, hidden place this is where the part truths become apparent. This is where Truth is revealed and the light is shone on Pride, Envy, Lust, Greed, Wrath, Sloth and Gluttony and all of their minions. The mind becomes aware of what the soul in its inner core knew all along because it was made by the One in the image and likeness of the One. The body and mind drifted from the One and thus has made the soul sick. However the One is not only all knowing, all present and just. The One is also loving and merciful. The One offers a balm no earthly physician could ever manage. While in the material we have learned many ways to heal the body, only the One can heal the soul.

Once this reality becomes apparent one can see the Truth and is humbled by the reality of justice, truth, goodness and though the One could stop there with this revelation that leads to humility, the One does not. The One chooses to take the ones in the humbled places and envelop them in love, mercy, and grace and this leaves one with peace. This peace transcends all things. Then solitude as Webster defines it is thrown out forever. For never again shall ones who know the One be alone again, ever.

A beautiful interlude

Composed Saturday June 13 in my Dad’s hospital room as I sat at his bedside.

Everything fell to pieces when my eyes met yours in that hospital gown….
Joy Invincible, Switchfoot

My cousin died last week. Today we will have a memorial for him. I woke up a week ago to a phone call to learn of the tragic accident. He was only 36. He was deaf. The world was challenging for him. His parents did everything they could to help overcome the obstacles that is impairment caused. Most importantly he was and is given unconditional love.

Today we will celebrate Brandon’s life as we navigate the rough waters of grief.

I am writing in a hospital right now. My dad is the patient. He had a stroke yesterday. He was supposed to be riding with one of his sisters to his nephew’s memorial.

Dad had a spell last Friday. He is insulin dependent diabetic and thought it was related to that. His sister who lives out of state is in town visiting him. She felt it may have been a ministroke. Dad was not sure but he refused to be driven to hospital or to allow EMS to be called. He recovered the next day so he really thought it was his blood sugar. We know now that was not the case. His spell happened the same day of Brandon’s accident.

After work yesterday my brother and I decided to head to the beach with our children. His youngest had never been to the beach. It has been a long emotional week and we anticipated that today would be even more so. So we loaded up and took an impromptu trip to the beach. We decided taking the kids to do something fun would provide a much needed moment of joy. We hoped it would help renew us as we braced for the next day.

On the way to the beach another call came in notifying me that my dad had collapsed at home and had left side weakness. He was taken to ER. The events unfolding would reveal what I as Family Nurse Practitioner knew to be true , Dad indeed had a stroke. We were almost at the beach. Dad had his sister with him. We were trying to decide to continue or turn around. We drove on as there was much undetermined that would take time. It was late afternoon almost evening and we were not far from our destination.

The remainder of the trip would include calls and texts to siblings and other family members. We learned Dad would be transferred to the closest stroke center hospital and we were waiting on that. We also learned once he arrived, due to COVID, visiting hours would already have passed and despite the situation we could not see him until the following morning at 6 am. We approached the sea wall and let the kids unload. I looked out upon the ocean and cried out to the Maker of this vast expanse of sea. “Lord, help Daddy!” “Lord, help us!”

We had calls and texts back and forth. I had to tell my husband who was home and did not join the trip because he had a work deadline. After discussing everything he said, ” I know it is hard, Shelly, but try to enjoy the beach.” I had been wanting to go to the beach for a while. My niece, Lindsay had never been and despite all the unfolding events her childlike joy and optimism could not be contained as she had her first experience with standing in the ocean waves holding her daddy’s hands. “EPIC!” she exclaimed. Yes indeed the ocean is epic because its maker is amazing.

My daughter found her epic moment by sitting on her towel and pulling out her guitar. As she listened to the ocean waves she strummed and sang. I realized she was okay. The nephews were with their dad. My niece was building her very first sand castle and her mom was nearby watching her and calling the nurse at the hospital. I walked into the ocean.

I let the waves crash into my body. All of the chaos, the fears, the pain, the grief, the worries, I stood there until the sound of the waves and feel of the wind and smell of the salt forced them to all to be muted. Anytime I visit the ocean the song Saltwater Heart by Switfchoot always plays in my mind. So in that moment of solitude standing in the ocean after my initial cry to God, my mind played……

When I’m on your shore again
I can feel the ocean
I can feel your open arms
That pure emotion
I’m finally free again
Like my own explosion
When I’m on your shore again
I can feel the ocean
– Saltwater Heart, Switchfoot

As I was standing there consumed by the waves and the song in my mental juke box my brother Louis came near. I shared with him I always think of that song anytime I am at the ocean. Louis smiled. He is the one that turned me on to Switchfoot’s music and I knew he “got it.” He moved deeper into the ocean with his eldest as I stood relatively alone again. I prayed and then I resigned myself to this summation, ‘Okay Abba, help my Daddy.’

We finished the day with some joyful moments of sand castles, wave jumping, listening to my daughter play guitar and just standing in the ocean and letting the waves wash over us. It was tranquil. It was joyful. It was a beautiful interlude that the Maker of this ocean and our souls knew we would need.

Now I look at my Daddy here in this hospital gown. Unable to use part of his body due to the stroke with much uncertain in the future. In a few moments I will drive to the funeral home where my brother, Louis who is a pastor and is officiating the service will try to offer words of comfort and peace as we memorialize my cousin, Brandon.

Hallelujah nevertheless, was the song the pain couldn’t destroy
Hallelujah nevertheless, You’re my joy invincible
Joy invincible, joy
Tears were in my eyes when the phone rings
If only life didn’t need us to be this brave
But we don’t live in the world of if only’s
Stretched tight in between our birth and our graves
Hallelujah nevertheless
Joy Invincible, Switchfoot

Palms and Peace

Tomorrow is Palm Sunday. We remember Jesus’s Triumphal Entry into Jerusalem as we kick off Holy Week.

They brought it to Jesus, threw their cloaks on the colt and put Jesus on it. As he went along, people spread their cloaks on the road. When he came near the place where the road goes down the Mount of Olives, the whole crowd of disciples began joyfully to praise God in loud voices for all the miracles they had seen: “Blessed is the king who comes in the name of the Lord!” “Peace in heaven and glory in the highest!” Some of the Pharisees in the crowd said to Jesus, “Teacher, rebuke your disciples!”“I tell you,” he replied, “if they keep quiet, the stones will cry out.”
Luke 19:35-40 NIV

It is our tradition at St. Timothy’s Anglican Church on Palm Sunday to begin the service outside. We then process together into our sanctuary waving our palms with regal marching music playing as we honor our King Jesus and his entry into Jerusalem. This year due to the corona virus our Palm Sunday will look different. We have some dedicated people who have put together recorded clips of some of our parishioners and their individual procession with palm leaves so we may still have procession of sorts with our online Sunday worship. There have also been many people on social media that were moved to place palm branches or any branches we could find on our door this Palm Sunday to honor and proclaim our King Jesus. Unable to find anything that resembled palm branches and eager to participate I saw a green sheet of foam in my garage. I took what I had and made my own.

I took what I had and transformed it into something that resembled palm leaves. They are not quite fit for a King, but thankfully my King is very gracious and knows my heart. I know it is not quite the triumphal entry any of us had planned. Reflecting on this, I think of the people in Jerusalem on that actual Palm Sunday.

They had no idea what would unfold that next week. Their expectations of this King they praised and hailed on that Palm Sunday would not be met. Jesus would not be a military leader that used power to overthrow the Roman government and bring peace. His Kingdom was not of this earth. He would instead demonstrate meekness and submit himself the unblemished Passover lamb to death on a cross. Instead of a government, he would overthrow sin, death, and Satan’s power over humanity. His peace was not temporal but eternal and not of this world.

If we look at Jesus through the open of eyes of faith and truth we see he exceeded the expectations of the people. So as we enter this Holy Week that was full of expectation and is met with many unknowns, let us herald our King. Let us wait in hopeful expectation as His peace goes beyond understanding of pandemics or any other situation. Let us proclaim our King Jesus who offers a peace that is eternal and a joy that is invincible. Hosanna! Hosanna in the highest!