Tag: hope

Stilling Away

Lord I pray,

let my heart not forget,


You placed the stars in the sky


From chaos you made order


In my mind and soul you will do the same.


Lord, quiet my soul, still my heart


In time alone with you, I find peace


As the day speeds up, and life takes place


Let me not be consumed by the world’s chaos


Help me take pauses and seek your face


My Lord, my refuge, my rest, my strength


Quiet my soul, let me not forget


To surrender it all to you.


Lord, I surrender

Sideline

I’ve been coasting

Half awake, half asleep

Space ghosting

Thought I was okay

Cause I still believed

Life’s been quaking

Illness, disease, death

Heart breaking

But I saw the sun

Behind every cloud

If I’m not fully awake

I’m not fully alive

There are times to sleep

Times to retreat

Times to heal and hide

But that time can’t last

Forever

Gotta get back in the light

Time to step forward

Back into the sunshine

If you’re sleeping

You’re not leading

Time to get back into the fight

You’re no longer bleeding

the scars won’t fade

But that pain that made them

Will be the impetus

To take on the charge

Now let’s charge that hill

Stake that claim

Lives are at stake

This is not a game

Victory is won

But you gotta step into it

Now who you gonna bring along with you

Cause this journey is yours

But it’s not meant to walk alone

And every beat of your heart is calling you home

So wake up

Start walking

Speak up

Start talking

You have a lot of fight left

You have lot of work to do

Gotta finish this race

Gotta see it through

Prayer for the Persecuted

It’s easier to turnthe channel;

it’s easier to turn my head

seeing the evil manifest

among the living and the dead.


Lord hear our cry!

Lord, hear our prayers.

Our brothers and sisters are crying

Their hearts are breaking, their children dying

From empathy to guilt, my soul keeps stirring

Hurting for their plight and so grateful for mine

LORD, what I have I take for granted

Lord, what I fear
They are living out.

It’s easier to drown it out

But you equip us for hard

It matters not what makes sense

it’s a matter of the heart

You call us to bear one another’s burdens and pain

Lord give our brothers your peace

Lord keep us on our knees

Praying. …

Hope is alive

Death was defeated

Evil will not have the final say

But until you return or call us home

Let your peace transcend the pain

The Fog is Lifting

I worked a half day this morning seeing patients via Telemedicine still. We are still very busy with primarily Covid patients. We pray this surge will improve in the next few weeks if this trends here are like elsewhere. However, only time will tell.  The days are still exhausting, but helping ao many people is worth it!

This afternoon I tried to get much needed tidying up accomplished. I am weeks behind, but definitely made more progress today than I have in a while.  

My daughter had a good first week of school! She is excited about Forensics and will audition this next week for the school’s fall musical.  This year is off to a much better start than the past and I am very grateful to God for that.  Last year was challenging in many ways for her, so to see her renewed spirit makes this mom’s heart delight.

I have a writing project brewing in mind. What that means is I need to spend some of my down time working on that. The past weeks I spent most “down time” doing the bare minimum duties and honestly  escaping by watching British comedies and dramadies. It was all I had energy for. 

However,  I feel a lot more energy this week , again thanks be to God and it seemed to all happen after two events: a dramatic upseting phone call and a dream.

The emotional phone call with drama last week  (details unimportant) made me start sifting thru some of the back burner grief I had just been too spent to even think about.  My husband, Ted was awesome and listened as I verbally processed so much emotion.

This led to a dream that was so vivid. Daddy , Lana (my stepmother who passed 5 years ago on Aug 23) and my stepdad Steve (who passed 7 years ago) were all there.  It was so peaceful and joyful. I don’t recall many details apart from all 3 of them being present and just a warmth and joy and feeling od serenity.

Interestingly enough right as my mind was leaving the deep REM sleep and entering that light sleep just prior to  waking up out of the dream I said aloud in my dream, “I guess I am processing grief in my sleep.”  I feel in many ways I did. 

It is still early days yet, but the heavy fog is lifting, light is breaking through, and my energy level as I said is beginning to rebound.  I share these details for me of course to process but also in case others need it too. 

I thank God I grieve with hope. I am thankful for my wonderful support. I am thankful for the dream. I am even thankful for the minor inteepersonal conflict that led to some down and dirty grief processing. I look forward to what the Lord has in store for me apart from my obvious profession as a Nurse Practitioner.

Friend of Sinners

I am not perfect

Nor do I pretend

To be always on point

On target

On track

Well kept

My mind and my home

Are often in disarray

But I know who I am

I know what matters most

And what matters most

Is Whose I am

Your Creator and mine

Are the same, imagine that

And though I don’t fit your mold

Nor you mine

His love for each creation is the same

Not because of some pre-purposed plan

But simply because

He is love itself

So our paths cross

Mine seems more convoluted

And perhaps yours is as straight and narrow

As you perceive and portray

At the day’s end

It source is the Maker, the Creator, the Lord ,

the friend of sinners

Bereavement

Life is kind and also cruel. You lose someone you love. It is not healthy to park oneself in the pit of grief and stay there, but when duties and tasks and responsibilities make us push forward with too short a pause, well then grief is delayed. It comes in spurts and waves. You swing between extremes of “he is not gone”, because your daily routine can explain the absence … to the sudden reality that he is very much gone and there is no more calling or visiting. Such extremes and so little time to process it. Oh sure they give you 3 days bereavement. That was filled with arranging the funeral, running errands to have the funeral, preparing material for it, and then delivering the message or eulogy and receiving loved ones. And for those that don’t actively participate in the service it is still the receiving family and loved ones and condolences with your best game face on. You shove all the deep thoughts to the back burner so you can muster the strength to get thru this part. And you do. And then it’s time to go back to work and life and house work and yet you are tired. You don’t know why, but you are. I mean you know why, but you had no idea it was so heavy. A big loss just occurred and you can’t even process it because now its time for another game face. You push yourself through.

Our society fails in the way of grief and mourning. Old traditions expected it took time. There was an understood respected time allotted to the bereaved that was much more than 3 days. And we wonder why we are all a mess.

Your dad died. Ok answer the nurses questions, the doctors questions, the officer and judges questions. Then the funeral home has questions

Now do this, do that, go here, dress up nice and paint your face. Next stop graveyard. Next stop the house that feels so empty but so full of family.

Next stop bed. Now wake up and go to work and engage fully as if you didn’t just lose your dad.

Oh I will think about it later. Maybe I can process it in quiet time, but you are so physically exhausted you sleep thru the quiet time of contemplating and wake up in time to work. Oh of course workload explodes. And don’t forget all those other things you have to do.

Oh yeah, brush your teeth. Don’t forget that

I write this stream of consciousness as partial therapy and partial expression of my anger with the world and our society and how little care we give to anyone bereaved. I don’t cry out for merely me , but all and each that loses a loved one and has to trudge through as if we are fine and yet we are not and then we wonder why there is so much unrest.

If you are bereaved and suffer this plight or worse because I know worse is out there, I am sorry. I care. I wish I could change it. But I hope and pray that in my heartache maybe the Maker of souls will inspire me or some other bereaved soul to help change how poorly we deal with grief in our society.

Lamentations for Daddy

I miss you today

But I miss you every day

Since you went away

But sometimes my mind

In preservation thinks you are fine

Just at home where we last spoke

Before the phone call when my heart broke

Though many events unfolded that morn

Somehow my soul knew you were on your way HOME

Not the temporary place we are passing through

But the eternal home with the Maker and the Saints

Though I miss you today

And every minute to come

I could never selfishly call you back from home

You are free , fully healed and at peace

So for now I will treasure the lessons and memories

And keep missing you each moment

And some moments I cry

But I also rejoice in hope

Because soon we will reunite in the blink of an eye

Desert Songs

Several years ago when I returned to work after a brief hiatus to be with my family after my dear, beloved stepmomom passed from cancer I walked into my boss’ office and said “Cancer sucks, God is good.” He said “thank you.”

Too many times he only heard fairweather rejoicing when things were good. My friends right now there is a global uncertainty, but God is good. He is not only our way through the desert, but he is what sustains us in it. And if we abide in Him we too can find songs in the night. Even though all around us seems dry we can find true peace and still rejoice!


For those of you in your desert moments, I am praying for you. Know you are loved.
#songsinthenight #peaceinthevalley #pillaroffireandclouds #desertsong #dailybread #rejoice #Heisstronginmyweakness #neverforsaken #Heiswithusalway #peacebeyondcircumstances