I worked a half day this morning seeing patients via Telemedicine still. We are still very busy with primarily Covid patients. We pray this surge will improve in the next few weeks if this trends here are like elsewhere. However, only time will tell. The days are still exhausting, but helping ao many people is worth it!
This afternoon I tried to get much needed tidying up accomplished. I am weeks behind, but definitely made more progress today than I have in a while.
My daughter had a good first week of school! She is excited about Forensics and will audition this next week for the school’s fall musical. This year is off to a much better start than the past and I am very grateful to God for that. Last year was challenging in many ways for her, so to see her renewed spirit makes this mom’s heart delight.
I have a writing project brewing in mind. What that means is I need to spend some of my down time working on that. The past weeks I spent most “down time” doing the bare minimum duties and honestly escaping by watching British comedies and dramadies. It was all I had energy for.
However, I feel a lot more energy this week , again thanks be to God and it seemed to all happen after two events: a dramatic upseting phone call and a dream.
The emotional phone call with drama last week (details unimportant) made me start sifting thru some of the back burner grief I had just been too spent to even think about. My husband, Ted was awesome and listened as I verbally processed so much emotion.
This led to a dream that was so vivid. Daddy , Lana (my stepmother who passed 5 years ago on Aug 23) and my stepdad Steve (who passed 7 years ago) were all there. It was so peaceful and joyful. I don’t recall many details apart from all 3 of them being present and just a warmth and joy and feeling od serenity.
Interestingly enough right as my mind was leaving the deep REM sleep and entering that light sleep just prior to waking up out of the dream I said aloud in my dream, “I guess I am processing grief in my sleep.” I feel in many ways I did.
It is still early days yet, but the heavy fog is lifting, light is breaking through, and my energy level as I said is beginning to rebound. I share these details for me of course to process but also in case others need it too.
I thank God I grieve with hope. I am thankful for my wonderful support. I am thankful for the dream. I am even thankful for the minor inteepersonal conflict that led to some down and dirty grief processing. I look forward to what the Lord has in store for me apart from my obvious profession as a Nurse Practitioner.
Life is kind and also cruel. You lose someone you love. It is not healthy to park oneself in the pit of grief and stay there, but when duties and tasks and responsibilities make us push forward with too short a pause, well then grief is delayed. It comes in spurts and waves. You swing between extremes of “he is not gone”, because your daily routine can explain the absence … to the sudden reality that he is very much gone and there is no more calling or visiting. Such extremes and so little time to process it. Oh sure they give you 3 days bereavement. That was filled with arranging the funeral, running errands to have the funeral, preparing material for it, and then delivering the message or eulogy and receiving loved ones. And for those that don’t actively participate in the service it is still the receiving family and loved ones and condolences with your best game face on. You shove all the deep thoughts to the back burner so you can muster the strength to get thru this part. And you do. And then it’s time to go back to work and life and house work and yet you are tired. You don’t know why, but you are. I mean you know why, but you had no idea it was so heavy. A big loss just occurred and you can’t even process it because now its time for another game face. You push yourself through.
Our society fails in the way of grief and mourning. Old traditions expected it took time. There was an understood respected time allotted to the bereaved that was much more than 3 days. And we wonder why we are all a mess.
Your dad died. Ok answer the nurses questions, the doctors questions, the officer and judges questions. Then the funeral home has questions
Now do this, do that, go here, dress up nice and paint your face. Next stop graveyard. Next stop the house that feels so empty but so full of family.
Next stop bed. Now wake up and go to work and engage fully as if you didn’t just lose your dad.
Oh I will think about it later. Maybe I can process it in quiet time, but you are so physically exhausted you sleep thru the quiet time of contemplating and wake up in time to work. Oh of course workload explodes. And don’t forget all those other things you have to do.
Oh yeah, brush your teeth. Don’t forget that
I write this stream of consciousness as partial therapy and partial expression of my anger with the world and our society and how little care we give to anyone bereaved. I don’t cry out for merely me , but all and each that loses a loved one and has to trudge through as if we are fine and yet we are not and then we wonder why there is so much unrest.
If you are bereaved and suffer this plight or worse because I know worse is out there, I am sorry. I care. I wish I could change it. But I hope and pray that in my heartache maybe the Maker of souls will inspire me or some other bereaved soul to help change how poorly we deal with grief in our society.
Stabbing Windmills 