father – Stabbing Windmills

Happy Heavenly Birthday Daddy!

To say I miss you is an understatement, but hope and joy from the hope of Christ wraps the lament in this beautiful peace. Most of the time when I think of you this Peace is the superseding emotion, but from time to time the lament overpowers it and that’s ok- the hope remains.

It wasn’t always this way. The early days in the fog of the grief not only was the lament stronger, there were times the fog of grief was so heavy you couldn’t even tread water- the day to day simple things I had done hundreds of times felt like someone placed weights on my body and made me walk through quicksand. Oh it was foggy, so you had to tread it not seeing but a few steps ahead of you. Even in those heavy days I held onto hope and faith in knowing you were free, but the heavy days were heavy.

I share so that others in the fog of grief right now can know two things. ONE- you can have faith and hope and still feel the heavy weight of grief and TWO- in time the fog does lift and light breaks through. You carry the grief with you always but it is not so heavy. If you are in the fog of grief I am praying for you – hold fast .. the light will break through…….

Daddy, I hated the stroke limited your body and caused you struggles. However a gift was your inhibitory mechanism to remain stoic and quiet was impacted so we had some of the best conversations. I got to know what you really thought!! I enjoyed our time watching Westerns, though now it all feels too short.

One always laments the time they didn’t spend and it’s too easy to get sucked into that vacuum of regret and I know you wouldn’t have me do that so instead I will cherish all the times we did have while knowing the love between a father and their child is not dependent on being in the same room.

Daddy thanks for working so hard for us, teaching us so much, and taking us fishing!!! I love you and will #seeyouinalittlewhile

Today is Dad’s birthday. He would have been 71. It is his first birthday since his departure. While I do wish he were here and that we could have Mexican food or German chocolate cake with him one more time, I remember his last year. His mind was sharp, but his body failing him.

It is a crazy paradox: Dad’s stroke limited his body and caused him health issues, but because of it he did not spend a day of the last year of his life alone at all. Prior to that he was very lonely after losing his wife 5 years ago. That is a long time living alone without your spouse. I know he missed her and I know he was lonely so it is a peculiar thing his illness was. I do look for the silver lining in all things. Ideally he would have had company without a major illness, but risk factors of diabetes and smoking, and high blood pressure took its toll on his body.

So as much as I selfishly miss him, I know he is at peace and fully healed and restored. And I could not dare to want to bring him from such peace. I am just thankful in my time (God willing a very long time from now) I will join him and all the saints that have gone before.

Today was a busy work day. Dad has been on my mind throughout it all and I think I was feeling blah and in a funk most of the morning. I think it’s because I wish I had the day to sit, reflect, write, and even take a drive to his gravesite (not because that is my sort of thing, but it was his so in order to honor that). However duty called and it’s a Monday in cold season so we had plenty of patients most of the day.

I delayed my Facebook post of remembrance because I wanted to pen something eloquent, but then it was too lengthy. So I kept it rather simple with some photos. I figured I would save the lengthy exposition for this blog. Since it is towards the day’s end my writing is more stream of consciousness and thought processing as opposed to an eloquent or artistic tribute. Perhaps that will come soon or another day soon, but processing these thoughts are a vital part of the grief journey.

I chose after work at 7pm to keep the evening simple. Instead of cooking we ordered carry out Asian food and watched Shang Chi. I wanted Mexican food initially, it’s what we would have had for Dad or what he would of had but I did get a little choked up thinking about it and made my ultimate choice. It’s been a long weekend. My brother and newborn nephew were both in the hospital. We had my Uncle Steven’s memorial on Saturday, so Iwas pretty spent leading to this day.

I get winces of emotional pain with this or that memory which make my eyes threaten to cry on occasion, but no big cry today. Now that work is done and I did relax with dinner and movie at home with my husband and daughter, apart from fatigue I actually mostly feel peace.

I miss Dad. It is surreal almost that he is gone but deep in my soul there is a peace. A stillness. It is hard to explain but just an unusual calm. I know it is the Lord’s gift to me this day and I cherish it.

So for now I think I processed enough and I am just going to sit still and savor this peace as it has been a very long time since I have felt such a thing.

I miss you Daddy

We will see you in a little while!

Lord , thank you for your peace that surpasses understanding, sorrow, grief, illness or any circumstance.