amazing grace

The Fog is Lifting

I worked a half day this morning seeing patients via Telemedicine still. We are still very busy with primarily Covid patients. We pray this surge will improve in the next few weeks if this trends here are like elsewhere. However, only time will tell. The days are still exhausting, but helping ao many people is worth it!

This afternoon I tried to get much needed tidying up accomplished. I am weeks behind, but definitely made more progress today than I have in a while.

My daughter had a good first week of school! She is excited about Forensics and will audition this next week for the school’s fall musical. This year is off to a much better start than the past and I am very grateful to God for that. Last year was challenging in many ways for her, so to see her renewed spirit makes this mom’s heart delight.

I have a writing project brewing in mind. What that means is I need to spend some of my down time working on that. The past weeks I spent most “down time” doing the bare minimum duties and honestly escaping by watching British comedies and dramadies. It was all I had energy for.

However, I feel a lot more energy this week , again thanks be to God and it seemed to all happen after two events: a dramatic upseting phone call and a dream.

The emotional phone call with drama last week (details unimportant) made me start sifting thru some of the back burner grief I had just been too spent to even think about. My husband, Ted was awesome and listened as I verbally processed so much emotion.

This led to a dream that was so vivid. Daddy , Lana (my stepmother who passed 5 years ago on Aug 23) and my stepdad Steve (who passed 7 years ago) were all there. It was so peaceful and joyful. I don’t recall many details apart from all 3 of them being present and just a warmth and joy and feeling od serenity.

Interestingly enough right as my mind was leaving the deep REM sleep and entering that light sleep just prior to waking up out of the dream I said aloud in my dream, “I guess I am processing grief in my sleep.” I feel in many ways I did.

It is still early days yet, but the heavy fog is lifting, light is breaking through, and my energy level as I said is beginning to rebound. I share these details for me of course to process but also in case others need it too.

I thank God I grieve with hope. I am thankful for my wonderful support. I am thankful for the dream. I am even thankful for the minor inteepersonal conflict that led to some down and dirty grief processing. I look forward to what the Lord has in store for me apart from my obvious profession as a Nurse Practitioner.

Friend of Sinners

I am not perfect

Nor do I pretend

To be always on point

On target

On track

Well kept

My mind and my home

Are often in disarray

But I know who I am

I know what matters most

And what matters most

Is Whose I am

Your Creator and mine

Are the same, imagine that

And though I don’t fit your mold

Nor you mine

His love for each creation is the same

Not because of some pre-purposed plan

But simply because

He is love itself

So our paths cross

Mine seems more convoluted

And perhaps yours is as straight and narrow

As you perceive and portray

At the day’s end

It source is the Maker, the Creator, the Lord ,

the friend of sinners

Too often I find I miss the mark, disappoint the expectation of others and especially my own. I have spent many years beating myself up with “you should know better” or “what’s wrong with you?” “Here I go again” “How many times are you going to make the same mistake? Circle the same mountain?” These thoughts replaced the former shorter and yet meaner “I’m so stupid” “I’m a dork” “I’m an idiot” “I’m a fat blob” the good news is the former thoughts focus on my behavior which does need modification where the latter focuses on my identity. So though some issues I have not overcome yet, by God’s mercy and grace and the love of some good friends I learned my identity is not my mistakes, my failures, or my missed marks. This is where this GRACE comes in that is mentioned in the scripture. Let’s face it we all need grace. And it was finally understanding that amazing grace that I am in Christ thus I am a child of God. I am more than a conqueror. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. And while I am still circling some of the same mountains there is progress, a little every day. And though at times I backslide my heart is to be better. I am thankful for a God that knows my heart’s desire and does not give up on me when I disappoint. You see He promised He will continue the good work He has done in me until Jesus returns and on that day my full potential will be realized and I will circle no more. But for now, I rest in the truth that I a broken, sick soul in need of a Great Physician may approach the throne of Grace PRN (as needed) for any help when I fall short. It is an eternal open invitation of grace generated by love. It is digesting this very truth that is the healing salve to our soul and allows us to drown out the voices of self condemnation, of fear, of doubt. It allows us to hear even louder the voice of Truth and Grace. My prayer for you all is as we sojourn this journey of life with its very steep mountains and deep valleys you may carry this balm of Truth along the way. You will need it.

Peace and Joy to you!