Tag: you matter

Sometimes I am not okay .I don’t like conflict .I am a people pleaser by nature
I don’t naturally create boundaries, advocate for myself,or know how to say no to even good things or people when there are too many demands and not enough me. My time and energy have limits.I used to think acknowledging that was weak, I have learned that is the beginning of strength – knowing my limits so I could implement healthy boundaries.
Healthy boundaries means sometimes when you say “NO” or “ENOUGH ” that you upset people, even those you love especially if they were used to you always saying”yes”. I used to feel that saying “no” was unkind. I was only being unkind to myself. This leads to burnout because EVERYONE has limited time and energy. Everyone!!!! Different seasons you will have less or more. It is not a standard RDA either. We are complex creatures in unique situations with a multitude of variables that impact the demand on our time and energy (physical and mental) I lived a life with no margin. A firstborn, type A people pleaser who thrived on the approval and feedback from my achievements. I found myself depleted. That feeling , that need, that endless desire for the approval of others is as vane as any addict chasing an elation from whatever fruitless high. There is a life giving source with a plan for my life and it is when I function in concert with the will of my Maker the giver of life that is good and fruitful. That life giving Maker is so efficient and benevolent that there are encounters he will build me up while using me to simultaneously build up others. Talk about true elation!!
Anyhow I don’t digress because that right there is what it’s all about.
But here I am in this fallen world with broken people (present company definitely included) and so conflict will and does occur. There are hills to charge and there are times to be silent.
But after surviving a very unhealthy, toxic, abusive relationship in my younger years ( before my husband) I developed a transparent approach to life. I am mostly an open book and if you ask I will be honest. Currently there is this tension that is persistent between advocating for myself and a situation and being silent as to “keep the peace”. But here’s the thing…while I am not raging against every injustice as some battles are won only in silent prayer and small subtle movements, because I don’t want a false peace sometimes waves are made! I don’t have a poker face. I am not good at pretense. For example , When people ask me how are you? I am not good with the standard “great” people want so they can move on. What they mean to say is hello. Not how are you because when it’s not great they don’t necessarily have the time (or energy) to hear the honest reply. They too have limited time and energy. So if things are not ok I will say not great now, but I am hopeful they will be again soon.
I was asked in the middle of a current messy situation if I was ok. My honest reply was , ” No, but I am coping.” This person asked because a couple of times recently there were a few moments when the weight of it all piled up and I wasn’t coping in that moment. I have learned that is not the time to fake a smile and push thru. I went to trusted people and said “while I am a very smart, strong, capable person who can take a lot most days of my life, in this moment it all feels too much like drowning and I need help” now if only my actual cry for help was stated that eloquently and did not include tears and expletives and what some might feel hysterics, but that was real life. I AM COPING NOW. I made adjustments, sought out counsel and returned to prayer. The situation is not resolved, but I am working really hard on what I can control. I share this because I am a strong, smart, capable person who loves and is able to help others. And guess what I need help too!! We all do. It’s ok to not always be ok. Be real, seek help, and know this- I am rooting for you!!