Sometimes I am not okay .I don’t like conflict .I am a people pleaser by nature
I don’t naturally create boundaries, advocate for myself,or know how to say no to even good things or people when there are too many demands and not enough me. My time and energy have limits.I used to think acknowledging that was weak, I have learned that is the beginning of strength – knowing my limits so I could implement healthy boundaries.
Healthy boundaries means sometimes when you say “NO” or “ENOUGH ” that you upset people, even those you love especially if they were used to you always saying”yes”. I used to feel that saying “no” was unkind. I was only being unkind to myself. This leads to burnout because EVERYONE has limited time and energy. Everyone!!!! Different seasons you will have less or more. It is not a standard RDA either. We are complex creatures in unique situations with a multitude of variables that impact the demand on our time and energy (physical and mental) I lived a life with no margin. A firstborn, type A people pleaser who thrived on the approval and feedback from my achievements. I found myself depleted. That feeling , that need, that endless desire for the approval of others is as vane as any addict chasing an elation from whatever fruitless high. There is a life giving source with a plan for my life and it is when I function in concert with the will of my Maker the giver of life that is good and fruitful. That life giving Maker is so efficient and benevolent that there are encounters he will build me up while using me to simultaneously build up others. Talk about true elation!!
Anyhow I don’t digress because that right there is what it’s all about.
But here I am in this fallen world with broken people (present company definitely included) and so conflict will and does occur. There are hills to charge and there are times to be silent.
But after surviving a very unhealthy, toxic, abusive relationship in my younger years ( before my husband) I developed a transparent approach to life. I am mostly an open book and if you ask I will be honest. Currently there is this tension that is persistent between advocating for myself and a situation and being silent as to “keep the peace”. But here’s the thing…while I am not raging against every injustice as some battles are won only in silent prayer and small subtle movements, because I don’t want a false peace sometimes waves are made! I don’t have a poker face. I am not good at pretense. For example , When people ask me how are you? I am not good with the standard “great” people want so they can move on. What they mean to say is hello. Not how are you because when it’s not great they don’t necessarily have the time (or energy) to hear the honest reply. They too have limited time and energy. So if things are not ok I will say not great now, but I am hopeful they will be again soon.
I was asked in the middle of a current messy situation if I was ok. My honest reply was , ” No, but I am coping.” This person asked because a couple of times recently there were a few moments when the weight of it all piled up and I wasn’t coping in that moment. I have learned that is not the time to fake a smile and push thru. I went to trusted people and said “while I am a very smart, strong, capable person who can take a lot most days of my life, in this moment it all feels too much like drowning and I need help” now if only my actual cry for help was stated that eloquently and did not include tears and expletives and what some might feel hysterics, but that was real life. I AM COPING NOW. I made adjustments, sought out counsel and returned to prayer. The situation is not resolved, but I am working really hard on what I can control. I share this because I am a strong, smart, capable person who loves and is able to help others. And guess what I need help too!! We all do. It’s ok to not always be ok. Be real, seek help, and know this- I am rooting for you!!
Tag: storms of life
Lukewarm
In an effort to achieve a momentary pause for respite in the midst of some serious tempests, I have found myself wading in mediocrity. I won’t deny that this weary go-getter found comfort in going with the flow. Too many hills had been charged and lacking enough effort to take on yet the slightest incline, I just stopped.
It was necessary at first, then it became comfortable. It was too easy to just stay there. Oh mind you there were the bare necessities accomplished such as daily work duties or simple physical hygiene. However anything extra just wasn’t happening.
I had become mediocre. I had neglected my housework, reading, writing, studying the word, and even my prayer life had become anemic. That was alarming because prayer for me has become almost as innate as breathing. I was spent and did not feel like a prayer warrior or warrior of any type.
The problem did not lie in my taking a break, coming up for air, or seeking some solitude or respite. The issue became that I decided to set some things down out of necessity and I was in no hurry to pick them back up again unless absolutely necessary.
Once I made it past the respite phase, there was that gnawing feeling that I needed to get back in the game. I would ignore it. It would become a little more evident and then I would find mind numbing distractions to drown it out. When it did resurface because it was accompanied by guilt, I was all too ready to slam the door in her face.
Time passes. Spiritual anemia led to an unsettled disquiet… then an almost comfortable numb. ( oh that is where that band gets that, mind you no mind altering substances were involved here). I coasted for a bit (ok a while).
Then one day I realize I am either indifferent or I find myself agitated by people, their needs, and their constant requests for help. ‘Who do they think I am, superman?’
Wait… who is that? I don’t recognize her at all. Startled by this out of character response, I realize I must snap out of it. I had downward spiraled into complacency, almost hard heartedness even. Mind you it all started as self defense.
Oh there’s the rub – self! I was trying to go it on my own again. I was operating in my own strength. No wonder I cratered, that never works. There was only one thing left to do…. run home !
This prodigal soul paces around in her book room confessing to her Heavenly Father how she has sinned in thought, word, and deed. “I have not loved You (God) with my whole heart. *sting of conviction as silent tears stream down my face* I have not loved my neighbors as myself. *more stinging in my chest and more tears* I humbly repent and am truly sorry and for the sake of thy Son, Jesus have mercy on me and forgive me. Lord I come to you not presuming, but assured. Trusting not myself but your word. I am not fit to eat even the crumbs from under your table, but You Lord are the God of our salvation and you share your bread with sinners…. Forgive me Lord a sinner who has slipped away from all that is good that you have for me to walk in. I shrank back in fatigue and fear. I tried to endure it in my own strength and I cannot and You never intended me to do so. “
The Good Father with open arms embraced me with peace. Welcomed me with robes , visited me through a sister in a Telemedicine visit. Allowed me an opportunity to pray with that sister as I was overwhelmed woth joy from our Divine appointment as the two of us ministered to one another thru a screen. Then even better I received a text and a phone call that my 6 year old niece had prayed and asked our Good Father to forgive her sins and welcome her into the kingdom as she trusted Jesus ss Lord and Savior!
My soul has been lukewarm for some time, but it was rekindled and awakened yesterday. It began with my own confession and was celebrated with a simple communion of saints and a celebration in heaven as a child of God has trusted her Lord and another child of God has run back home to the loving arms of a Good, Good Father.
Stabbing Windmills 